So I'm in David Beckham's house having lunch with himself and Victoria. We ate pasta and salad with a sun dried tomato dressing. "David needs a lot of carbs at the moment", Victoria explains to me. We finish the meal and David takes me on a brief tour of the house. He shows his rumpus room where there is a nice widescreen TV and a modest pool table. Next door is Brooklyn's playroom, full to the brim with expensive toys and Man Utd. memorabilia. I notice a distinct lack of Lego and to a lesser extent, Duplo. There are CCTV cameras mounted in the room. Apparently they had a problem with the previous Nanny whose "attitude was rather Victorian".

I insist that we go and see his car collection and he is only too happy to oblige. We go out the french doors at the back of the house into what seems to be the car park of a shopping centre. I see an Aston Martin DB7 and I ask David if it is his. He says it is and would I like to take it for a spin. I refuse. I spy a Ferrari, also David's. Then I see a beautiful new fully loaded Landrover. David explains that this is his favourite car and he feels safest behind it's wheel. The car has every feature available, as well as an expensive leather interior.

Next, a woman and her daughter pass by us with two bags of shopping.

"Mum, look, it's David Beckham. Who's that guy with him?"

This makes me feel a bit stupid but it doesn't bother me much. They approach and ask for David's autograph. He politely obliges. Then the mother explains that she is buying a similar Landrover to David's but couldn't decide on the trim for the interior. She was wondering if she could sit in the jeep for a few minutes to try it out for comfort. David, being the polite guy that he is, says "Of course, go on ahead."

The two women sit in the jeep and admire the masterly crafted interior. At this point the engine in the jeep starts, and before you know it, the two ladies are tearing off in David Beckham's land rover.

We give chase, but then they start to hurl their shopping at us. Cans of Heinz beans. One of them catches David square in the nose and he collapses on the ground, his face a bloody mess.

Then I awoke.