Men who listen to Coldplay albums are equivalent to women who buy Dido albums.

In fact, they probably date each other.

They go to the cinema together to see shit like 'You, Me and Dupree'.

He's either a Manchester United or a Chelsea fan, though he's never actually been to a game in his life.

She spends her time flicking through the pages of Heat magazine, thinking it constitutes putting down 'reading' on her list of hobbies.

He has an acoustic guitar because some day he wants to be like Chris Martin. He'll get around to learning a few chords any day now.

She drinks cheap white wine.

He drinks Stella.

The have sex once a week and have a repetoire of 3 positions. When he's drunk, he'd like to get nastier but she'll never let him.

He drives a second hand low-powered BMW 3 series yet still thinks he's the shit.

She drives either a Ford SportKa, or a Peugeot 206 convertible.

A fun weekend for them is going to Ikea for an afternoon to buy more cheap crap to fill their apartment with.

He sometimes watches shemale porn on his Windows laptop, but always clears his cookies.

She thinks she might have chlamydia from a one night stand she had a couple of months before they met, though she's too embarassed to see a doctor about it.

They eat microwave meals all the time, but she attempts to cook at the weekends. It's always crap though.

'Having people over' constitutes getting in 4 bottles of white and a slab of Stella, listening to Dido and Coldplay CDs on repeat while their friends secretly seethe and plot inventive ways to kill them.

Their son will be called Zach.

They will try to convince him that Chris Martin in an 'amazing songwriter'.

He will see through their shit and hate them for the rest of their lives.

All because of Coldplay.