I just got the movie, Amelie for my 29th birthday. It reminded me of something I have been thinking about lately... that it is so sad to go from being a kid with so much style and potential to being a lame adult with a bad haircut and boring clothes and uncomfortable shoes. I don't understand why people have to grow up. In Amelie, she is the same person grown up as when she was little, and this is what makes the character so amazing. I sometimes think that I don't want to do the work of having a baby and raising it if he/she is just going to grow up to be a wanker. What is the point? I was a wanker once. When I was about 21, I was a huge wanker. Very serious. Very rigid. Very horrible. Then I met Scoresby and something clicked with us. It took a long time, but in that time, I sort of reverted to this core-self. I don't think I am exactly who I was at 8 years old, but I feel free and young and finally like me. I don't care for the rules of adulthood. I want to be messy and wear sneakers and enjoy the smallest of tiny things. It is also a bit like Wes Anderson's The Royal Tenebaums.... except I haven't brought my childhood problems along with me into adulthood.

We had a scare a few weeks ago ... when I had to take Scoresby to the emergency room. He was severely dehydrated and it was really unsettling. At one point when he was finally being re-hydrated by IV, I decided to go home and walk the dog. It was 10:00 at night and we'd been away from home for a long time. I couldn't believe that I was going to leave him there, lying in that hospital emergency room. But I knew it was the right thing to do. On the Metro ride home, I pulled Nozomi from my pocket and just cried. Nozomi is a tiny rabbit/kitty that a friend in Japan made for me a while ago. She makes me feel better. I didn't feel embarrassed to be crying on the Metro or holding a tiny stuffed rabbit/kitty. I felt like me. This is me. I am it.