So why is it that appearently
meaningless trivia can cause a person who seemed to finally find some aspects of his life happy and worthwhile will cause him to spiral into a fit of depression...
Case in point - me today - moments ago...
The Ravens won the Super Bowl. (I am from Cleveland.) On the cosmic scale of things - next to meaningless. On the what's really important in life scale - next to meaningless.
Meanwhile hours later, I pathetically find myself wishing once again I never existed.
There are many significant events which accumulate to allow me to feel this way - lack of friends who understand, faith issues, people saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, being as alone as I can be for these past weeks wondering anything about all the people I really care about who don't want anything to do with me...
But I just want out. Retroactively...
I realize no one really understands, and it seems to me no one would blink to really miss me...
But I should be happy because I'm a white male, with a good job, and a healthy if overweight body... But I should be happy cause I'm not the kind of guy to cheat on his wife or girlfriend - lot of good that does me... But I should be happy cause I'm not the kind of friend to pick fights with those who really don't understand... But I should be happy because all good deeds don't go unpunished... But I should be happy cause I have a brain smart enough to know right from wrong, but not smart enough to right the wrongs
I'm not happy. I don't think I have ever really understood how to fix this either.
I don't know...
I beleive it has something to do with love. Love: I sometime seem to place too high an ideal about this word... But I really want to find "it" - since I'm not to sure this is what I mean or need I don't know. I do know that for all my caring about anything "once upon a time" I have a lot less than caring back...and right now that pain hurts a lot. (my good deads are punished it seems...)
Anyway without going into too much specifics (another good deed which will punish me later), I trust all my friends too much. I beleived "K" really cared - now nothing but silence and a void - and I was the friend she didn't want to lose. "C" has used and abused my heart beyond repair... "T" should really admit the mistakes she makes to the people that matter - not me, but a promise of silence won't help anyone. "D" and "Y" have not been forthright lately either...
Whatever. I don't know how to fix any of this. Just pile up more pain. I don't really know what to do or say... I know it doesn't help but I need to vent...
Blah...guess I just did.