Think rollercoaster. Think everyday as a hectic journey of nauseating ups and terrifying downs with no end in sight and no way of opting out. Mix it with a nearly non existent attention span and total lose of objectivity. Now imagine you are seeing it projected in front of you with no ability to intervene. This is for me at least the best attempt I can make of explaining what the last decade of my life has been like.
Sometimes, most of the time, I think about what I have done, what my journey to adulthood was like and it scares me. It scares me that I could have gone through so much and suffered so much pain with no external influences at all. I have no one to blame no one to point the finger at and exorcise my demons into. No one but me and my flawed flawed reactions to external stimuli.
For years I trawled around doctors and shrinks and tried everything from acupuncture to Prozac. All of the drugs worked, worked for at least two weeks before the next cycle came back harder and blacker than ever before. Like a virus constantly evolving new strains it comes back worse and worse and goes up higher and higher. So now I have lamctial anti-epileptic mood stabilisers. They work to a certain extent; they have stolen my dreams and thrown me into this dazed version of life where all I can do is react, never act.
Would I go back to the temper tantrums and the dark hole I made my home? Never, in a million years. Sometimes I entertain thoughts that I could manage without all this chemical crap but then I look around and realise that all I would accomplish would be to make the people around me suffer again, even more.
So I am here following doctor’s orders and in retrospect I can say that yes, it is crippling illness but it has made me a much better person. I may over react and I may scream a little but at the end of the day I know where I am going, or at least in which direction I should be heading, I know who I am and what I am. Which is lot more than many other "normal" people could say.