I didn't really expect to write anything here. I never got to meet Christine in person. I don't believe I ever talked to her on the phone. Even though I knew her through her writeups and by exchanging /msg's with her, I still felt like I didn't know her, and that anything I said would be an imposition.

The thing is, I do have apologies.

First, I'm sorry I didn't do more. I sent comics and letters. And those seem like tiny, insignificant things to send. Kevin has told me they loved getting them, but they still feel tiny and insignificant. I've had a guilt complex since I was a kid -- I always think I've let someone down by not doing enough, whether or not I've done anything. I'm still sorry I didn't do more.

I'm sorry I never got to meet Christine in person. I never went out to Davis to visit her and Kevin. I hate the modern security circus at airports nowadays, and I'd never get enough time off work to make the drive from Texas to California. And I hate traveling with a violent purple passion. Yes, those are excuses, and possibly not very good ones. I'm sorry I never got to meet her.

I'm sorry I didn't let her do her Decaversary Interview early. A year or two back, she asked me if she could go ahead and do her interview before her ten-year anniversary. And I told her no, because of course she'd live forever, right? It'd be no problem for her to do it after she'd actually hit the ten-year mark, right? Obviously, once she had actually passed her anniversary of being a noder, she wasn't healthy enough to do the interview. So there isn't a Grundoon Decaversary Interview. And there never will be. And just thinking of that makes me want to go sit in the dark and stick pins in my arms. That's a colossal failure as an interviewer. And you know her interview would've been so damn good. It would've been so damn good. And that's an opportunity that's lost forever. I don't deserve to ever be forgiven for letting that slide.

I had another apology, relating to what's probably a minor element of the Gamma Girl character from the Metro City Chronicles... but by the time I got it typed out, it read like the whinings of a tortured artiste, and no one wants to read that crap. So I'll make the apology to Grundy's spirit and memory. (/me makes apology to Grundy's spirit and memory, ignores the rest of you lot)

Christine was intensely important to the site and to me. I loved getting to chat with her, whether it was about the desire to squash trolls like bugs or just about whatever mad silliness was zipping through our brains. She used to have more of the mad catbox conversations on her homenode, and I'm sorry they aren't there now, because they remain some of my favorite memories of her. Thinking of her in pain, or frightened, or gone -- that's all the proof I need that gods don't exist, because no benevolent deity would let that happen to someone as awesome as Christine.

/me misses Grundoon, and I always will.