I'm the guy who makes sure you don't go home alone. It's sad, but it's true.

Any bar I hit, it's guaranteed I'll be assigned to this role. I'm the guy who'll play the perfect song on the jukebox. I'm the guy who'll step outta the way to make room for you and your new love. I'm the guy who buys the drinks, sets up the relationships of the evening. I pick the dances, I ensure the blending of yes and no.

I'm the guy who, realistically, decides who's going home with whom.

And the sad part is...I'm here, noding, at 4:30 in the morning. Alone.

So What I'm trying to say is...you're welcome, whoever you are. Have a happy night. particularly tonight. Good luck.