A monologue by Stanley Holloway
There's a famous seaside town called
Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.
A grand little lad was young Albert
All dressed in his best; quite a
swell
With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.
They didn't think much to the
Ocean
The waves, they were fiddlin' and small
There was no wrecks and nobody drownded
Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all.
So, seeking for further
amusement
They paid and went to the zoo
Where they'd lions and tigers and camels
And old
ale and sandwiches too.
There were one great big lion called Wallace
His nose were all covered with scars
He lay in a
somnolent posture
With the side of his face on the bars.
Now Albert had heard about lions
How they was
ferocious and wild
To see Wallace lying so peaceful
Well, it didn't seem right to the child.
So straight 'way the brave little feller
Not showing a
morsel of fear
Took his stick with its 'orse's 'ead 'andle
And shoved it in Wallace's ear.
You could see the lion didn't like it
For giving a kind of a roll
He pulled Albert inside the
cage with 'im
And swallowed the little lad 'ole
Then Pa, who had seen the
occurrence
And didn't know what to do next
Said "Mother! Yon lions 'et Albert"
And Mother said "Well, I am
vexed!"
Then Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Quite rightly, when all's said and done
Complained to the
Animal Keeper
That the lion had eaten their son.
The keeper was quite nice about it
He said "What a nasty
mishap
Are you sure it's your boy he's eaten?"
Pa said "Am I sure? There's his cap!"
The manager had to be sent for
He came and he said "What's to do?"
Pa said "Yon lion's 'et Albert
And 'im in his
Sunday clothes, too."
Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller
I think it's a
shame and a
sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert
And after we've paid to come in."
The manager wanted no
trouble
He took out his
purse right away
Saying "How much to settle the matter?"
And Pa said "What do you usually pay?"
But Mother had turned a bit
awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone
She said "No! someone's got to be summonsed"
So that was decided upon.
Then off they went to the Police Station
In front of the Magistrate
chap
They told 'im what happened to Albert
And proved it by showing his cap.
The
Magistrate gave his
opinion
That no one was really to blame
And he said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.
At that Mother got proper blazing
"And thank you, sir, kindly," said she
"What waste all our lives raising children
To feed
ruddy lions? Not me!"