It's 2:27am, I can't sleep, I'm wondering why I'm feeling the way I do and decide I need some venting, *sigh*, what would I ever do without E2...

I have loved 2 people in my life (or shall I say fell in love), one, I know I have lost already as a boyfriend and I'm not sure if we're friends or whatnot. The other is not my boyfriend either anymore, and I know is slowly drifting away as my friend as I node (maybe I'm just paranoid and maybe we're as close as we'll ever be now). I sometimes try to gain some reassurance from him, and yet, I do not get much. I know he is drifting away, perhaps he does too. I also know the reason why he is drifting away and it is inevitable I guess. I always knew I will be dealing with this sometime, so why can't I deal with it??? Maybe I have grown to love him even more as a friend, someone who is always there to understand and to comfort me. Maybe I need him more than I think, and most likely more than he needs me. But it's reality what is going on right now, and I accept reality, it's harsh, but I accept it. So why can't I deal?? WHY?? WHY?? WHY???

The thing I fear most in my life is loneliness. And yet I'm sitting here noding which that sense of emptiness. Am I really lonely? I have my friends, and I know there are some of them ACTUALLY do care. So why do I feel this way?? I rarely felt this way before and now I am feeling it more and more often. Have I grown completely dependent on others?? Where was the independent me I used to know?? I have, unfortunately, become something I hate and am disgusted of.

So here I am: 10 minutes later, crying, sobbing, life was supposed to be better, after I got into university, so why is it not??
If there are other noders out there who can answer my question, pls, msg me, I can't take it much longer...