Some brothers wanna play that hard role
And tell you that the butt ain't gold
So they toss it, and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it.

- Booty Operations Minister Mix-a-Lot, from his white paperEffectively Targeting the Rear Echelon

After the ignominious ending to Operation Gulia several months earlier and the resulting negative response from the Relationship Subcommittee on Weirdness, my inner romantic forces were scattered and demoralized. The army of love remembered their purpose but were aimless and without conviction. Several possible subjects were targeted for the next mission, however most were ruled out do to unavailability or location. One of the targets seemed especially promising, so much so that she was looked upon as a possible second front during Operation Gulia. Unfortunately the subject (hereinafter referred to as “Wendy”) was engaged in a long distance relationship with an enemy agent known only as “Wilder.” Not only was Wendy willing to forsake her beloved Notre Dame Fighting Irish in order to root for Wilder's Florida Gators, but what was especially galling about this situation was the fact that Wilder’s homebase was in North Carolina, leaving Wendy’s vast girlfriend resources untapped, but still effectively taking her off the market.

I was contented to bide my time and wait to see if any of the possible flashpoints I was watching would flare up. After several months it was picked up through intelligence back channels that the Wendy-Wilder pact was on the rocks and that she was going to go on an excursion to North Carolina that several agents had described as a “make-or-break trip.” Upon her return it was revealed that the worst had happed, Wilder had broken up with her. After momentarily pondering why a man would dump such a fine female specimen as Wendy, I requested the launch codes and made the call to initiate...

Operation Pull Up Quick to Retrieve It

The goal is simple: Date Wendy, not once or twice, but as many times and for as long as possible. She is a wonderful girl, with a ready, bright smile and the deepest and most gorgeous green eyes I have ever seen. She can cook like a chef and swear like a sailor (or pirates, which she is obsessed with). She will entice you with her pleasant demeanor, then turn around and threaten to workshop her foot up your ass. I have been totally smitten with her ever since the day we met. One of the main assets during this op is that Wendy is currently living with one of my best friends, already giving me an in with seeing her.

Mission 1: Roomies

Due to the fact that the floors are being redone at my house and I had to get out for a week, I went to live with my friend Jim (and, by extension, Wendy). The week went well, especially with Wendy and I making dinner alone on Thursday, sharing inside dish over the marinating chicken. The objective was simple: hang with Wendy, be cool, establish myself more in her mind.

Status: Primary Objective Complete

Mission 2: Family Night

Mission 2 came up out of nowhere. Every Wednesday everyone at Wendy and Jim's house (aka The Violet Villa) goes over to Gino's East for the best deep dish pizza in the city. Since it is "family night" at the pizzeria, large pizza's are super-cheap. It turns out that next week all of Wendy's roommates are going out of town, leaving her no one to go to family night with. Wendy was also talking about buying a new TV for the house next week, but wanted a wingman for the trip. I saw the opening and pounced:

"Hey Wendy, you and I should go to family night next Wednesday and then afterwards go out to buy a TV. I'm pretty good with that stuff."

"Really? Hell yeah we should go together!"

Let's do this thing.

Status: Mission commences August 13.

There will be further press briefings as events warrant.