I have finally attained some measure of closure.
I received the news yesterday that my ex of four years has become pregnant less than three months after we broke up. I found myself struggling with my emotions: anger that she had clearly not had any trouble dealing with the break up, sadness that she had done something so irresponsible (it was the result of a drunken night with her “new boyfriend”), and happiness that she had done it (callous I know but I can’t help it).
She had meant everything to me, and our break up has been dominating every part of my life and thankfully I have had friends and family to rely on (you know who you are, and I thank you most sincerely). I had thought she had felt the same grief, and when we met to discuss issues that had remained after I moved out, she seemed unhappy as well.
Now I can sleep again, the nightmares have left my thoughts and I feel more at peace. When a relationship fails after such a long time there is always the little thought that if this, or possibly this had happened differently, then maybe none of it would have happened; this nags at you, it eats away at you constantly, and you can’t bring yourself to let it go.
This has achieved that which I alone could not. I have let her go, and I can no longer bring myself to hate her, but neither do I want her back. I only hope she manages to deal with the situation she is now in.