"Still There"

i can still hear the voices in my head
and they tell me i'm not insane
but i'm not sure if i should believe them or not.

	denial, don'tcha know.

and i'm still pretty pissed off at my father
for forgiving my sister her teen-pregnancy
her irresponsible behavior
her financial entanglements that cobwebbed us in
her putting the family in a place of shame
and for yelling Yelling YELLING
at me because i'm not perfect
and making me feel i could/can never be good enough.

	so what is that..
	displaced anger,
	low self-esteem,
	AND sibling rivalry?

and yes, i still hate him.
i almost enacted his murder
- the one i (pre)meditated over for a LONG time
and figgered out how i would NOT get caught
but still be able to see him suffer -

i think it had something to do with poison.

	oedipus complex?
	never liked girls anyway.
	my mom's great and all but


the pain's still there
buried deep inside so much that i want to be the cause

	um, sadeo-masochism

and warp this reality with my own

	schizophrenia, ya know

but i'm still not sure if the voices in my head are really mine
						or mine
							or mine

	i think they call that dissociative identity disorder.

or if they're really the voices of THEM.

	paranoia, ladies and gentlemen.

but i still don't know.

therapy bills are a bitch.

a writing assignment from en202, my one creative writing class at bu. the task here was just to make any kinda poem. this just turned out to be semi-autobiographical and exaggerated. no, really.

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