Latin name: Canibalis insignifigus.
Common names: Baby eater, urban scavenger, stocky-fat-assed-no-good-for-any-other-purpose-than-to walk-around-passing-out-ridiculous-and-inhumane-citations-and-wear-godawful-uniforms, people who have obviously never tried to park remotely close to their place of business in the city.

Where they can be found: Outside right now, measuring the distance between you car and the nearest fire hydrant four blocks over, trying to determine whether or not you are towable.

How to avoid them: Chuck the car, pay outrageous prices for monthly garage passes, or employ a runner to solely stick change in your meters at all hours of the day or night. Park in the ghetto....because you know what they say about that.

What to do when approached by one: Don't play dead, they're not bears. Sticking change in the meter at the last second probably won't do you any good either. Arguing only makes them want to circle some other strange charge on the ticket. I suggest knocking them down with the full force of you weight, stealing their notepad, and using your illegally parked car as your getaway.

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