It starts on the right. A tingle. Tiny, but noticeable. You put your finger to the tip of your ear, wiggle gently. Just as you remove your hand--before you can even SIGH WITH RELIEF--it starts again. Deeper. It's taunting you, that tickle is. It is taunting you to come back and scratch. But you can't reach. You look around frantically for anything that can.
A pencil. No, too big. A pen cap. No, too sharp. A paperclip bent out into a straight piece of metal. Oh, why didn't you carry Q-tips in your pocket. Please, God, someone, anyone HELP!
With panic at the ever-mounting tickles and trickles and itches you grab for the nearest object and you push it into your ear. Gently, for a person of your state of mind. You rub the object around in your ear delicately and purr as it reaches that spot. But where there was one itch there are now two. Or three. Or six. Or too many to count. Why-oh-why won't it stop?
Well first of all, next time your ear itches--DON'T SCRATCH IT. Your skin gets irritated when magic happens and cute little critters called histamines are released from your body. And when you scratch it, all you're doing is sending an invitation to all the other little histamines, asking them to come to your itching party. They will come. They will bring friends. They will stay for a long time like that smelly kid in your college dorms.
Don't scratch. Resist the temptation. Go to your cave and slide, wax philosophical with yourself about the ancient art of resisting temptation, or perhaps bury your face in a mound of pillows, shake your head from side to side really quickly and scream. But don't. scratch.
When you've regained enough composure, drive to a pharmacy or drug store or your mom's medicine cabinet. Find a hydrocortisone or other anti-itch cream (perferably with a steroidal component). Take your fingertip (or Q-tip, or tongue--whatever) and dab the cream around the very beginning of the cavity (hole) in your ear. DO NOT PUT THE CREAM INSIDE YOUR EAR (OR ON YOUR EAR DRUM), OR YOUR HEAD WILL EXPLODE. SERIOUSLY, DON'T. The cream will feel a little weird, but it'll stop the itching immediately.
If you get itchy ears frequently, it could be because you don't clean your ears properly or because of more serious sinus or ENT issues. For this you should see a doctor and until you do, get your finger out of your ear. You look like a twit.