Please. I do not know you. I have no right to ask anything of you.

But I don't keep the promises I make to myself. I need to make a vow and be held accountable. I need to be stronger. I need to CHANGE.

I am too old to still be crying over boys I don't really know. I'm too old to this... this... weird.

Ahh, this is stupid. I love Everything2. It has sheltered me through some tough times and showed me the oddest places laughter can be found. The human spirit in a little corner of the internet. I keep meaning to contribute more.

I don't know why I am two different people. On the one hand I am this crazy, exuberant, funny, cheery, silly girl. When I leave the confines of the four walls of my house however...

That girl hides somewhere in the recesses of my mind and is replaced by someone who is staid and dull, can't carry a conversation, cannot talk in class. It's like my brain just shuts down and doesn't fully operate. Does that happen to anyone else?

How can I make it stop?

I just want people to see what I really am. No, actually, I want to show them what I am. But I have tried and tried, those silly little motivational mantras, it's not fear - exactly - it's just... an inability to be normal.

I don't want to miss out on life because I just can let go... or grab on, alternatively.

I want to be a better, sweeter, more thoughtful, more enthusicatic, loving person.

My eyes are prickling, I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself.

So could you... just check up occasionally? No you don't have to. Just knowing you're there will help.

 For you, I will try. I will change. I don't want to let you down.

Perhaps it's just a habit you have to get into. Talking. Should come naturally.

I will get there.

I really want to.

I swear.

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