Right. For those who haven't been following the video game world (and I assume that's a good 75% of you) you'd know that there's a thing called the Wii, which sounds a lot worse than it plays. It's getting reasonably old for a console but that doesn't stop Nintendo spruiking new games, new hardware and new ways of waving the controller - the "Wiimote" - until you're making it look like you're using a sex toy. Every Wii comes with Wii Sports, a game that is supposed to get you up and moving and avoid obesity, but is really not much more than a demo of what the console is capable of. Last year they released an extension connector to the Wiimote, called the Wiimotion Plus, which gives the Wiimote one-to-one movement (you move the Wiimote an inch, and the console moves it an inch as well). Great! Plug a dongle in, and the thing finally does what it was supposed to all those years ago without a dongle!

As with every new development, a demo has to be created. Predictably, Wii Sports Resort is just that. Much like its predecessor, it's made up of twelve sports, and it has enough game modes to make it look like twenty-five. It has also borrowed some ideas from its predecessor - namely golf, bowling and tennis, albeit in the form of table tennis this time. Really? You showed us the same shit a few years ago! Golf swings still doesn't work, the bowling ball still has zero momentum, and (table) tennis still relies on luck. In fact, quite a lot of the games rely a lot on luck rather than any kind of skill. Throw a basketball towards a hoop, and it'll have about a 75% chance of dropping in if you've made the correct throw and a 50% chance of dropping in if you've done it wrong. It also helpfully says to "imagine you're striking a bell above your head". I've never struck a bell above my head, not even at Christmas time.

Some of the games are interesting enough. Pretty much all of them are repetitive, as you'd expect from microgames and minigames. There's only so much Wiimote-swinging you can do before you start doing it in your sleep. That said, there are a couple of games that can be loosely described as "campaign modes", such as the Swordplay Showdown (wreck on a bunch of other sword-wielders before you get hit three times) and probably the Island Flyover (find points of interest three times: once during the day, once in the evening, once at night; also, pop all the white balloons kicking around the island). I also have to give Nintendo credit for at least trying to make a game seem more hardcore than it actually is with the "stamps" - reminiscient of achievements in other systems - and for creating a game that didn't just have a menu, but also a scenario (namely, the island) that makes the sports all make sense somehow. I mean, where else are you going to fly an aeroplane then straightaway zip into golf mode, other than on holiday? They contained summer sports into a summer-flavoured environment. Props for design.

Oh, and the Wiimotion Plus is cool. I corrected my horrible hooks and learned how to actually put spin on a (table) tennis ball. Now, why the hell didn't Nintendo do that years ago when they first released the Wii? One-to-one motion was the goal of the original Wiimote, was it not? Either way, it's an overdue, but welcome, addition.

What else can I say about the game? Honestly, it's more of the same as Wii Sports. More waving. More swinging. More punching. More hoping that the game will do what you want it to do, not what it wants to do to you. The trick isn't to swing the controls in the way you're supposed to, but to improvise a little and swing it in all directions at once. You know, performing the impossible.

So. The score.

Graphics: They didn't do too badly with this one. Some Wii games are pretty shocking, even given the Wii's pretty kickass specs (shut up the specs are pretty good!) preferring gameplay or bloating over graphics. Third-party developers always seem to screw this over but Nintendo have done pretty well here. 8.5/10
Sound: I don't have a good sound system. This is a good thing as some of the sounds can get annoying and often distracting, namely the crowds "cheering". 7/10
Playability: The one thing that the Wii has been good for is suckering in the four Cs: casuals, children, chicks and cronies. You know, the targets that games normally don't pander to, with perhaps the exception of a video game adaptation of My Little Pony. Another tick in the playability box. 8/10
Lastability: Unless it's a campaign-style game or you're going for all the "stamps", you won't get far with only one player. I much prefer this game with multiple players, but you'd think they'd include another Wiimotion Plus in the box? And maybe a second Wiimote in the Wii box? No, because Nintendo aren't concerned about that and they are more concerned about the cash. But then again, who isn't? 7.5/10
Total: 31/40 You haven't totally impressed me, Nintendo. But it's not too horrible. In fact, I'll avoid trying to defenestrate it every opportunity I get. I'll even call it fun... until I get tennis elbow.

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