The
USDA is entrusted with keeping the citizens of America
healthy and satiated with nutritious
foodstuffs. Why is it then that the
food in their own
cafeteria tastes so horribly raunchy? Few people
even realize that there is a cafeteria located within the
bowels of this
Washington, DC building, and even fewer realize that one may
simply walk off the street and dine there. However, after tasting the
so-called "cuisine" that it has to offer, even fewer of these few return,
and many of these few are scientifically diagnosed
massochists.
Here is a sample menu of some USDA
home-cookin'....
Tuesday's Breakfast
Breakfast Pizza
Bagels
Fruit Salad
Muffins
"Hold on a
second," you say. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with
that
menu." And you are indeed correct. The
problem is not the
menu itself but the food that the menu consists of. Take, for
instance, the Fruit Salad. It's very hard to screw up a fruit salad--take
some fruit and put it in a bowl. Ahhhh.....but the
chefs at the USDA
café had a different plan. They spiced it up with
cream cheese and
what appeared to be oats (for the sake of this essay I will refer to
these as
quasi-oats). Now some people may like their fruit salad
with a little bit of cream cheese and quasi-oats, but I, for one, do not
like to treat my
intestines to such a shock so early in the morning.
So, forget the Fruit Salad, how about some simple fruit? I mean,
how in the world can you possibly screw up fruit? Well, I've found that
when I mutter the phrase "How in the world can you possibly screw
up _____" the
US government never ceases to amaze. Never have I
tasted an
orange so putrid as the one that defiled my mouth that
morning. In fact, if
Hitler had somehow achieved the feeling of horror
and disgust I had upon biting into that
citrus abnomaly he probably
would have abdoned the whole
silly Nazi thing and devoted himself
to growing oranges in the subtropical climate of Florida. This affirms
my assumption that the US government is creating some sort of
petri-fruit as a secret weapon to use in the next world war. Just like
Einstein said, "
I don't know what World War III will be fought with, but
World War IV will be fought with horribly raunchified fruit from the
USDA cafeteria."