Lots to write about today. This would have gone much differently had I not just received a very hurtful email from a family member who is accusing me of spreading some lies about her and her spouse. I fired a reply email back, but I don't think that this is the end of the issue. My family thinks that I should get a job. And they could very well be right. Money is nice. Getting out of the house is good for me. I have gifts and talents that are currently being underutilized from other people's points of view. Those are their opinions and they're entitled to them. But I'm not ready to get a job. I've been through a lot and I'm nervous about going out and settling for a job that I'm going to get sick of in another year. That's been the cycle in the past and however stupid it might be, this is my life. I could be royally screwing it up by refusing to look for a job. The truth is I've thought about different ideas and contemplated what I could do. My daughter's situation at school changed so I now I have new circumstances I didn't before. I learned some things about myself this weekend. As awesome as it would be to have a partner in life, I'm not ready for a relationship and I really don't even want to go out on dates just to say I went out with someone. I've never had a problem meeting people and I don't anticipate that will change in the future.

I have serious boundary issues. I don't know how to keep a reasonable and safe distance away from certain people. This is another thing I'm going to have to work through in therapy which is frustrating and annoying since I feel like I have spent a lot of time on this. But after what happened I can see that more work is needed and rather than shirk that I'd like to attack it and become better. I've been having so much trouble sleeping that I took a melatonin, a Benadryl, and one of my anti-anxiety pills before bed. I woke up at three something when there was music blaring on my lap-top, but I was able to go back to sleep and stayed sleeping until my sister called. She's pregnant and hating it. I feel bad for her. I've been through a lot of the symptoms she has and they're not fun. I remember being uncomfortable and in pain, but I can't remember hating pregnancy even when I was nauseated for three months straight. I felt like death, I looked horrid, I lived on white soda and crackers which made me feel very guilty, but if there was hatred about my condition I can't recollect that. A really cool thing happened that didn't seem like it was a very cool thing at the time. I learned what I really want in a guy, and found out what I don't like in a broader sense.

There's truth in the expression that opposites attract. I'm inevitably drawn to quieter men. I'm an extroverted talker so going out with men who are also talkative and extroverted makes me feel like I have to share the limelight. It also makes me feel like they're just waiting for their opportunity to talk and not really listening to what I have to say. Of course quiet doesn't mean attentive, nor does voluble mean inattentive, but I like a degree of stillness in my partners. That helps to ground me. I feel more stable when I'm around them. I'm impulsive enough for a horde of people so spontaneity in a partner doesn't appeal to me. I need someone who will help reel me in when I start heading toward waters I shouldn't be swimming or boating in despite my interest in the wind, the waves, and siren's call of the deep blue yonder. Politically my views would probably be described as more conservative, but I'm an adrenaline junkie who is a social risk taker. There are forty year old women who wouldn't even entertain the idea of flirting with a man who is fourteen years her junior. I can't relate. My youngest daughter is very calm and sublte. She prefers stealth mode to beast mode, and there are times when I envy her cool calm collectedness. Those aren't strengths of mine and I need someone who believes that who I am and what I'm great at are important and valued assets. I can be high octane fun and I need that in my life. 

After being a wife and mom for so long I'm having some trouble identifying what defines me post divorce. New clothes helped tremendously. In the past I got talked into buying fun bras. I just put those in a bin to go to Goodwill. I'm fun on my own. I don't need a leopard print bra to bring out my inner wild child. I said this on Twitter, but it rang so true I'm repeating it here. I traded my conservative outer wear for light, bold, fun, and went conservative with things next to my skin. I can be practical there. I need that practicality for balance. Too much fun on me is disconcerting. I feel anchored when I can pull on skin colored bras and panties and cover them up with colors and patterns that reflect my bubbly personality. Sometimes I don't get taken seriously. Oh well. Not everyone is going to be in your life and sometimes it takes the jerk or asshole to remind you of how good your real and true friends are. I have good friends and I am a great friend. I have great friends too, but more good than great ones. Most of the time I'm doing most of the work, and as long as I realize that and am okay with it, things are good I feel.

This is a small takeaway from a larger conversation, but someone told me that I write well. This isn't a person who drops compliments like I do, I'm sincere, but I think sometimes people think that because I'm a prolific complimenter they are less valid. Anyways, he told me that I wrote better than he did and followed it up with a comment about how high his opinion of his own writing was. I'm okay with a bit of an ego in people. I think it's attractive when people are confident and aware of what they do well. When it becomes a problem like cockiness or a feeling that they shouldn't be held to the same standards as others is where they lose me. I wrote an epic email to another friend of mine who responded with a shorter reply. We went back and forth before he got back to me with a comment about how well I write. It's something that I know to be true, but don't really do much with. I'm going to work on this. Whether that means getting back to logs or doing something different, or trying new things or continuing to produce fiction I don't know, but when I hear it from people who begrudgingly hand out compliments and close friends, I need to pay attention to that.

Change of subject, I've been listening to love songs lately. I hated them when I was a kid. I thought that they were sappy, overdone, and unnecessary. I had never experienced that kind of feelings that they were talking about so I thought they were entertainers trying to portray some unrealistic ideal that doesn't exist outside of best selling books and movies. I like love. I love the idea of being in love even for a short burst of time. It transformed my life and I want others to understand that love isn't some mythical unobtainable psuedo objective. Singers of love songs have a courage that I admire. Putting yourself out there in a love context would be difficult in my estimation. I can write about drama, love is hard to capture. I think that's because I have a lot of experience with drama, and not a lot with love. Story of my life before, but that's changing. Today I love and am in love. Not with a specific person, but just embracing the power and joy of life itself. It's wonderful. I hope you can taste its magesty some day. So bad things, good things, but overall, I never want this feeling to end...

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