Prerequisites: Freshman Physics 1710, Pre-Calculus
Physics Department
Physics Homework Problem #3

You are currently in an international prison on an unlabelled island 35.35km SE of Kokomo for exerting 3.59e-3 newtons on a button which released 4.967e437 Joules of nuclear energy into the cities of Chicago and Shreveport. Your cell roomy (mass 837kg) wants to put 4kg of himself inside your ass temporarily and leave 3 kg of himself semipermanently. In order to do this, your affectionate roomy plans to tie you down and fuck in the ass as many times as it takes to reach his 3kg goal.

Part a) In an effort to attempt to figure out how long this torture will continue, you measure the mass of each load that drips out of your ass. Upon observation, you find that his first load is 0.5kg and that with each successive screw he can only squeeze out 5/6 the amount of his previous load. How many times will he have to fuck you to reach his goal of 3kg?

Part b) After screwing you for an indeterminate amount of time, your affectionate roomy discovers that he is sliding in and out of you with more speed and agility, not just because both your anal sphincters are out of comission, but also due to the 3kg he is gradually losing inside your ass. Your roomy realizes that you were moronic enough to become a physics major and threatens to increase his goal to 4kg if you don't calculate how much faster he will be sliding in and out of you when he finishes than when he started. For simplicity's sake, as well as your own state of mind, you assume that you are motionless and are contributing nothing to the relationship. If your roomie's pelvis is initially oscillating at 3.5 thrusts/second via simple harmonic motion, how quickly will he be sliding in and out of your body at the point at which he reaches the original goal of 3kg?

Part c) Assuming that the quality of your life is bounded from above by a negated exponential function of time, qualitatively predict the reason you don't die in 2012 when Satan himself destroys your soul and replaces your eyeballs with his own testicles, fills your mouth with something more spikey than your typical penis, and the man you thought was your girlfriend cuts YOUR penis into multiple pieces and forces each piece physically into a separate vital organ of your body.

Epilouge: After problem 5, 70% of the physics majors dropped the course and changed their major. After problem 7, EVERYONE else dropped the course. BUT NO, YOU COULDN'T TAKE A FUCKING HINT COULD YOU!?!?

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