“Change, change, change….”

Everything's a scandal.

No, I didn’t kill him. I could have. Easily. He willingly got into my car. I could have left him stranded. I could have beaten him senseless and locked him in a room, but that’s already been done. I could leave him waiting in a coffee shop for five hours, or never thank him for leopard print pants, but those too have already been done. I could have turned around and screwed every guy I’ve had my eye on. I could reach out and hurt him any number of ways. He about vomited when I told him I had started dating someone new. I could hurt him, badly, but there is no point. It was bad enough having me sob on the side of a causeway. What good would more pain be?

It wouldn’t take back his fingers on her skin. It wouldn’t take back her being hurt, bring back the child she lost. Wouldn’t really place the truth where it belongs. Wouldn’t alleviate the loneliness I endured the last almost two years. It can’t erase history. And would I not come out feeling as scummy as he assures me he feels? I will transcend this if it takes every last fiber, nerve, strength in my body, my soul.

So I can’t believe a word he says. And that’s different how? When was that ever really possible anyway? It had better be possible in the future. Sometime. And if there is ever another time I say “No other girlies”, I mean, NO OTHER GIRLIES.

He's sleeping over with an old roommate, (and one of his biggest buddies from high school. I do mean HIGH school.) of ours tonight in Port Orange. Sleep well, Baltimore's a pretty long drive from Florida.

Are you happy where you’re sleeping? Did she keep you safe and warm?


Yeah, you’re 20, not 21. Start with that lie and work your way back. There were even more good parts about our being together other than your looking out of my bedroom window and that Sunday morning tripping balls in the Ghetto Mansion kitchen. Think back, you will remember more.

You ask me how to not fuck up so badly, place yourself where you don’t need to lie. Easy. I told you not to take people for granted. Go out of your way for people. Date only one person at a time. Come to one person at a time for booty. And every six to nine months, lose your shit and drive to tropical states.

I’ve been watching you for years. It’s been hours since we were born.

Talk to me. Fill my head, and finally let me fill yours. Don’t think, just feel. Make me believe you really want things right … fifteen hour drives aren’t bad … … but they really are just the start. You say you never really wanted to be with anyone again, and we just happened. Remember, you decided first that you loved me.

You want things to finally make sense, and for the two of us not to be so fucked up. Then you keep this small light of hope, friendship, from being snuffed out. You want things fixed? Then you fix them. I changed to fit around you. It is now your turn.

I can’t accept anything less.

Did you let her know you were sorry? Now you can tell yourself when you’re wrong.


What can I say? We loved the same kid, child, genius, punk, liar……. I believe you. Still, there are inconsistencies on his part. I know it happened once, without a doubt. That in itself is one time too many. I don’t know why it happened. I had hoped I would be enough. For whatever reason, I was wrong You must be smarter, cuter, sexier…. I refuse to compete. I just want to see him grow. I have too much soul invested in him to watch him fail. I even read your journal right before I went to meet him, so I’d be good and angry, so I would hit him. So I would kill him. So I would slaughter his self esteem. But he ain’t got none, so there was very little to kill. I do like you. I just have no idea where I actually fit in this whole mess. I still feel numb. I am just trying to make steps forward. That’s all my heart will let me do right now.

Weird, but I feel like I did something wrong to you. But I’m not the one to blame. Logically, whatever that means, I know I’ve done nothing wrong. But, I’m sorry too.

One for sorrow, two for joy…………

I just want the promises to be real.

This is the conclusion of the weirdest day in Windigo History. Also proof why you should not let two of your girlfriends discover E2. Particularly if they are both Cancers, born on the same day. Sweet in the same way.

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