I thought about posting this as its own story, but couldn't think of a title, so here we go. I met and matched with a guy online, and you can probably already tell where this is going. So there's this guy, and he stood me up, and then I was like, fuck this, and fuck him, but then he reached out, and I felt bad, so I started talking to him again. We took turns playing hot and cold with each other. I couldn't decide if he really liked me, he saw me as a booty call, or what exactly was going on, and maybe he was just as confused as I was. I'll probably never know. The last time I talked to him, he told me that I had convinced him to do something crazy. We had been talking after he reached out, he had told me that a female friend of his had asked him out, and I thought that I would never hear from him again, so I decided to let him go. But then he came back.
We stayed up late talking. I asked what had happened to the woman who asked him out, and he said that they were still friends at the moment. I told him to go ask her out, and he said that he would have to wait because she was out of town. I told him to book a flight, and surprise her, and to my total shock; he did. This probably sounds like the end, and not a very happy one, but in a way, it is a good story. He could have ghosted me. He could have been dishonest about what was going on in his life. I would have been none the wiser. When I left, I did so because I felt as if he was pulling away, and I wasn't sure why. Rather than ask, I assumed she was the reason. I was really not sure what to do with him when he came back, at one point he admitted that he didn't know where he stood with anyone. When he told me he was flying out to see her, I told him that sometime we need someone to give us permission to follow our hearts and dreams.
In other news I quit my job. Today I went to the dealership where I purchased my vehicle, stood in the office of a man I had met before, and spoke with him and a couple of other people that I'm going to be working with soon. I hadn't wanted to disclose the fact that I was no longer at my past position, but I wanted to be honest. I value that, and sometimes I end up looking bad because I am very willing to tell people all the bad things about me as a way to prove that I am an honest person with integrity. It was strange to tell him all the things I hadn't previously, and even though I ended up not getting the guy in the end, maybe I got something that was better in the long run. I don't know, I have mixed feelings about this whole thing. We are both scared, but we are both trying to be braver in our own fallible ways. I said a lot, and he listened. I didn't tell him about the job situation other than I had been offered one. He was there on a bad day when I needed him, and I will always love him for that if for nothing else. Rather than thinking of him as the one that got away, I will remember him as the one I helped to set free. Call it semantics, but so far, it's working for me.
P.S. People talk about love being the one thing that multiplies when you give it away, I wonder if the same can be said for courage and bravery when matters of the heart are concerned...
El Shaddai, El Shaddai, El Elyon na Adonai, age to age, you're still the same..., today someone on Twitter asked what music people would want played at our funerals. Wasn't on my mind before then, thinking about it now though.