Today I called in sick to work even though it is my first week and I'm on a 30 day trial. Last night I drove over to my mom's house to meet my brother. I ended up driving over to my sister's house and seeing some of my other family members because my brother said he was going to be more than an hour. My whole routine was out of whack, I stayed up late, ate some chips and salsa before I went to bed, and woke up around 2:00 AM in considerable pain. I heard someone else's phone going off around six, laid there for a while, contemplated the effort it would take to get up, get ready, go to work, and spend eight hours there, and picked up my phone to tell them that I would be staying at home today. I have no idea what they will think of this and really don't care. I went back to sleep and woke up to a realtor calling my phone. I had spent some time online looking at possible places to live, I ignored the call, dragged myself to the kitchen for some water, and tried to get some more sleep.
Thankfully I am now feeling much better than I did. I had a late breakfast of eggs, and managed to be hungry for lunch. My left leg is still painful, I asked my daughter to bring the car back so I can go to the chiropractor. Last night when my brother was over he did some foam rolling. I have two rollers for different purposes, but rarely use them on a daily basis. When he asked to borrow one I said that he could. When I was at my sister's I started reading a book and now I can't remember the name of it, but it spoke of the world of possibilities, perhaps this is even the name of the book, but the point is that the way we see and perceive things can be changed. I wasted some time and energy feeling sorry for myself and being mad at my former spouse. I am incredibly blessed to be able to lead the life that I do, I'm realizing that my perspective can change and I will be a better citizen of this community than I have been.
It's really hard being the new kid on the block at work. I haven't been the person who doesn't know what is going on in a while and that doesn't feel very good to me. Generally speaking new jobs and transitions are difficult, I keep joking about how many jobs I have gone through this year, and over the course of my life, but I've more recently started taking pride in this fact rather than making excuses or trying to gloss over the fact that I am ashamed of this, as if leaving situations that were no longer serving me or possibly them well has somehow diminished who I am as a person rather than contributing to the extensive base of knowledge that I have accumulated. I seem to have a knack for catastrophic thinking, I'm working on reframing, it's hard to tell if I have actually gotten better, I feel as if I still cling to the negative and despairing rather than allow the possibility of future joy to exist.
With every job I have been able to notch up some factor. First I was hired to be a design assistant at a fabrics and window treatment store. This taugh, me more about my creative side. It also exposed me to people whose problems in life are whether or not the blinds that they chose will be visible once their other window treatments are in place. My next job reminded me how much I love money and baseball. It was a completely different environment than the one I had left previously. It was hectic, often noisy, there was a lot of chit chat while people got work done, I spent very little time on each task, and moved from task to task very rapidly. My current job has led me back into the corporate world. I'm earning a base salary plus commissions, it's fairly close to where I live now and moving will likely move me closer. I have a lot of autonomy at work, but the tasks remain very routine. Pick up the phone, call, rinse, lather, repeat.
When I was thinking about my future, where I am going to go and who I want to be, I have this gnawing feeling of dread and terror eating away at my stomach. Last night I spent some time reading about people who feel as if they are always getting sick at work. One article suggested that rather than an underlying physical issue, the problem was the anxiety and anticipation that something was going to go wrong. I know what the gluten reaction is, I know I'm being exposed to it. But is my mind enhancing the attack in some way? I know I am able to work myself up into a panic quite easily, but I have to keep calm and be functional at work. I think there are emotional cues I'm responding to, work has been an unpleasant and unsafe place in the past, is this new place going to be just as bad, or perhaps, even worse? If it is, I know that I will survive and thrive which leads me to my next point.
Despite my parents taking money that I had earned after promising to deposit into a savings account for me, and even though I was married to someone who used my credit score and financial health as leverage to build his business, and although he gave me a card that said I had insurance through July and then never paid the bill when it was due in January, after working for companies who screwed me in each and every possible way, I still have money in the bank today. Rent takes more than half of my monthly income. After my fixed expenses are paid I have very little left to buy groceries, put gas in my car, and pay any other unexpected expenses. I am a single parent with two children living in a very expensive place that I can't really afford. But somehow, it has worked.
Today I checked out a stack of audio books at the library. I renewed The Power of Habit and I owe a great deal to the author for helping me understand some of the science behind why I do the things that I do. I can be upset that the people I worked for when I was a college graduate took advantage of my incredible organizational talents, as a matter of fact some of them are still with me today. I just set up a system that is almost identical to the one I had back when I was a fresh faced twenty-two year old just starting what I thought was going to be a long and illustrious career in finance. That girl helped me get where I am today. She developed an investment habit without taking time to investigate whether she could really afford it or not. Her sacrifices led me to where I am today. If I absolutely had to come up with some cold hard cash, I could do it. I would have to sell stocks that have grown with me, but today I know almost down to the penny how much I am worth.
Would like to write more, but my back is quite sore and I want to do my Pilates video to see if that helps.
All my love,
P.S. It's strange to be in a good place on a bad day, but I'm grateful for the experience. May it be yours as well.