Periodically I get thoughts in my head that go something like this: if only I can do X I will be better off than I was before. Adding small changes gradually over time changes behavior. I've seen this in the past and maybe I'm being overly hard on myself however it seems like I know what I should be doing, and I have a hard actually doing it for reasons that aren't always entirely clear to me.

Work has been problematic lately. People that I formerly liked and trusted haven't so much let me down as I've grown past them. It isn't their fault necessarily nor is it really mine. The guy who sits next to me ran some reports the other day. My department was promised a quarterly bonus. First quarter ended in March, no bonus was paid because according to my boss there was no way to determine how much we should have received.

This morning my department met outside. The weather was a bit breezy but I enjoyed sitting out in the sun. Smokers congregate on the patio and I'm normally not a fan of this one girl; she sat down right next to me so smoke went in my eyes but I thought I better make the best of things so I turned my head and asked for some information on her compression hosiery.

I wrote down almost everything she said, my notes are still on my desk waiting to be typed and my day was much better after that conversation because it gave me a level of education I had been lacking earlier. I'm pretty sure I learned more in that informal meeting than I did in most of the training sessions. Every time my boss comes in I try to explain that our company is good at explaining products and poor at teaching people how to sell.

This afternoon I spent some time speaking with one of my accounts that is stocking sandals. This deal almost didn't go through because the owner was hesitant about taking on that kind of inventory. One of the things that sets the company I work for apart from some of our competitors is our liberal return policy. Another nice thing is that I can override certain policies if I determine that is going to help an account. After I explained that I would be willing to absorb whatever inventory she had left at the end of the summer, the deal went through and today's conversation was cool because I was talking to a woman who understands strategic inventory management and knows what she doesn't know about how to sell a new product.

Right now I'm trying to decided if I should stick with the company I work for now or go elsewhere. I want to work closer to home. I need more money and I'm kind of tired of all the politics that make my job tough. It is very frustrating to know that people at the company I work for are impeding success. It is not in anyone's best interests to complain about the situation to customers but at the end of some days I grab my things and stride towards freedom thinking - fuck this. I can go anywhere else, get paid more and commute less.

Starting over is a pain. You don't have any reassurance that the place you're going to is going to be better than the place you left and then there's the whole waiting for benefits and vacation that I find annoying. When our company was bought out they couldn't figure out what to do with our old 401(k) system. Nothing has been decided about that and I'm getting annoyed because I can't believe this issue is as difficult as they're making it out to be.

The other day a woman I work with told me something that I believed at the time. I had no reason not to believe her however even as she said it I was thinking, that doesn't ring true. Today I found out that our department is getting four more people. That tells me that we are doing something right and after seeing how much I could have been collecting in commissions for first quarter I'm upset.

My boss is very good at what she does. She's good to the point where you don't believe that she's selling you anything while you're buying things you never intended. My supervisor isn't really like that which I appreciate. As a straight forward person I like it when I can speak freely with others who aren't going to see what they can get out of me without any investment on their part. Part of me knows there is no changing my boss, she's the way she is and she's not around enough for me to be able to learn some of her techniques.

To switch gears for a moment what really makes things tough is dealing with all sorts of crap at work, coming home and hearing your children arguing about something inconsequential. This past week was rough for me on a couple levels. After a comprehensive review of my finances I decided to see if there were some small cutbacks I could make to conserve my monetary resources. To make a long story short I thought I could live without some of the things I take every day and found out that was not a good move.

Rebuilding a body takes time. Perhaps one of my greatest faults is I am impatient. I want things right away, I recognize that others also want things and I try to make things happen for others so it frustrates me when I can't seem to make that work for myself. When I review the past year, the past six months, even the past three months I can see that I've made strides in a direction I want to be going but those positives are things I forget when I'm in the moment, here and now.

The girls are going to be participating in some Park and Rec activities this summer. I'm excited for that because I spent quite a few summers involved in those programs when I was a kid. It was a chance to hang out with my friends and on my list of eventual goals for my family is a move to a place where there are more activities available. Tuesday night we went in for haircuts. I'm trying to grow my hair out and so are the girls.

My hairdresser has been cutting my hair since before my girls were born. She's come to the rescue when my oldest took a scissors to her sister's hair, we've been through pregnancy, miscarriage, going back to school, returning to work and we have a good open relationship. Another goal of mine is to write about women who have guided me throughout my life. My hairdresser would be one of them and while they are very different people my massage therapist would be another.

Another recent decision I made, and I've gotten support from my family so I know it must be a good idea, is to take the girls in for some counseling. There have been some recent issues that concern me, my sister said she wished my parents would have taken us in to see someone when they were getting divorced and we signed the girls up for a Rollercoasters class to help them understand and accept the separation of their parents however I think counseling will be good for us all.

My aunt said that when she was younger she felt as if she didn't have a voice. I see behavioral issues in my children and I'm not talking about the typical things that every parent and child goes through. I want my children to have some coping strategies. My oldest daughter has problems controlling her anger. I remember being her age and hating my parents, my siblings and certain teachers. She likes school well enough but her summer has started which means less time with her friends and more time to pick on her younger sister.

If my oldest is more tomboy and less concerned about her hair and the way she looks my youngest is 100% diva. The other day she told me that being a lady meant wearing lipstick, nail painting and dress wearing, it was pretty funny listening to her tone which is not one I would like to be hearing from my almost eight year old.

A couple months ago my youngest daughter told me she wants to be a model when she grows up. That's a tough field to break into but she loves having her picture taken and for all I know she could make a living posing for the camera. Whatever dreams and ideas my children have I want to encourage. Sooner or later they'll realize that few people work at the dream jobs of their youth and I like the idea of a challenge for them since they've been given certain things that make parts of their lives too easy for them.

To get back to the sentence I started with there are some things I need to do. There are issues I haven't addressed, situations I haven't faced and 2011 has been good for me as an individual because I have started identifying areas of weakness and slowly developing strategies to shore up those spots where I am not strong. Today I went for a bike ride by myself. Yesterday I went with the girls and I'm learning more about what they can handle and what I can do.

For most of my life I've felt as if I'm on the outside, with others, yet set apart from the world they inhabit. Today I had a long talk with this guy I've been talking to for a while. When he told me that he went on a real date I was happy for him. I thought about some of the things he said and I'm still thinking about them now. Every day I envision my minutes unfolding differently than the way they often do.

Today I wrote something that I had fun with, right in the middle of it I lost everything which was upsetting to me. Earlier JohnnyCashed told me I should have called before I drove out to the Y. For a moment I was angry with myself, then I thought, I wanted to get out of the house and I wanted the girls away from the TV. I accomplished both things by driving out to the Y and as a bonus we picked up some fruit and junk food to eat while we watched movies together.

Since I have a hard time sitting through an entire movie I missed part of Despicable Me. The ending was cute and if you're a parent you'll probably enjoy the message if not the actual film itself. Periodically I think I should write something other than daylogs but after losing a long term project I had invested hours into I lost heart and interest. I always like to leave people with a little something. Today I can't think of anything other than: be yourself, be kind, be generous.

Until next time,


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