Good news - I am feeling calmer today. When I write I'm able to express my frustrations and reflect on what makes me feel good about myself. I let a lengthy period of time pass without writing and that was a mistake. Today I'm embarrassed that I went off the deep end last night, but like all feelings, this is transient and temporary. Despite that, I can still go on writing and not let things I've done in the past interfere with this moment in time where I'm sitting at my desk listening to a song I enjoy while the sunshine drenches the greenery outside. I woke up pretty early which means a nap is not far away from my future. When I take magnesium and calcium before bed I sleep better than if I skip it. Going to Chicago was a major routine disruptor and having people at work who are unpleasant, vindictive, and controlling did not help the matter any.

Perfection is something I struggle with on a daily basis. I feel like other people are getting some sort of a free pass that I'm not. I don't want to be one of the people who goes through the motions at work and home, not everyone does things with the passion and intensity that I do, these people are probably just as frustrated with me as I am with them, quitting is the right thing to do, but I think I need to wait until I have an actual job offer in hand, and I also need to talk to my boss whether I get another job or not. I want to go to the library and find some resources to help me learn how to be more assertive. What typically happens is; triggering event - immediate anger/outrage - calming self talk - dismissal of event (that's just who they are, or, you're too sensitive) - repression/submersion of feelings - new event - self blame for being a weak person - and then the cycle repeats.

What I would like to do is find a way to state the problem in a very calm and factual manner the way that my boss does. She can let emotions get the best of her, but she never loses sight of the underlying issue and she does a nice job of balancing the other party's concerns against the needs of their opponent. The other day we had a customer who wanted a discount because their menus were staining. When we saw the images they sent to us, there was a pretty clear pattern on one of them that doesn't seem to be food related. I have a set of iron patio furniture and I'm familiar with the orange marks that it can leave on other objects. That menu looks as if someone set it out on an iron table and left it there long enough for it to pick up the imprint. This is not a quality issue, this is a behavioral issue. The restaurant needs to remove the rust and be prompt about picking menus up from guests when they are ready to order.

Another thing a lot of companies (the one I work for included) does that annoys me is try to dance around things like brand names of fabric or materials. The idea is that someone will just go online and order the materials we're using and we'll lose that business. First of all (and this is probably why I don't own a business) I don't care if people do this. Even if they get a steal of a deal on the fabrics and other materials, they still need someone to put these things together for them. I believe that our products are fairly and competitively priced. Our designer is efficient, I don't waste a lot of time on things that don't need to be done, our owners have been doing this for over thirty years and have learned how to price things so they are profitable and satisfying our customers the majority of the time. Sometimes there are legitimate quality issues, I actually think we're harder on things that come back than clients would be since we know what crappy construction is like better than they do in most cases.

Some people establish a budget and work within that. I understand that mentality, but that's not how I work. I forget about money, put together what I think the client really needs and may want, and I worry about how much it costs later. Buyers can't always afford what I'm presenting to them, but if you don't show them what you're capable of, you might never have that chance again. I know how expensive it is to cheap out on things. I will sell people things that fall under their budget or come close to it if I have to, most of the time I show people, this is what you could have, this is how it will be an investment that impacts your bottom line positively, and this is why I feel we can justify this perceived expense. I personally am happier spending more and getting a very high quality item than skimping and walking away with a product I don't love. Not everyone has this mentality, but the truth is you have to be you when it comes to sales. I get more money out of people because I sell this way, but I probably lose more sales than others do too. 

I probably have at least three hours into 15 booklets for a nail salon. We didn't go all out, I did talk her out of some really high end things because that's part of my job as well, but I came up with a product that I think she would be absolutely thrilled with and I feel great about that. She told me that what I designed is out of her price range, what I would like to do is ask my boss if we can break this up into smaller payments for her so she can have her booklets and we will get a sale out of this. The other day I read an article about offering financing to people and I think this is a great idea that few are using. This woman is very particular, she knows what she wants, and I love working with people like that. I also really enjoy people like my country club guys who have a more abstract and conceptual view of their menus and how they relate to the decor. I love it when I can partner with people, build a dream, and then even if someone doesn't have the money now, I've given them something to aspire to and work toward. Maybe they can't afford it right now, but someday, maybe they will.

The bottom line is this organization failed to train and develop me as an employee. Rather than sit down and take the time to explain how they would like things to be done they chose to let me try to figure out things on my own. Now they want to try and rein me in and I'm not real happy that a controlling office manager is so upset by my style choices in a quote that she practically ripped it out of my hands and 'offered' to do it for me. I let her because I was busy and I'm not about to get into a verbal sparring match with someone who has 20+ years with the company compared to my couple of weeks. I need to put on the blinders, do my job to the best of my ability, speak up when I encounter some of the things I have, and keep looking for a company that will appreciate my skill set and give me the support and training I need to be successful. If I do get a job in finance I'm pretty set since that industry is very familiar to me. I guess a few of the things I've done over the years will have finally paid off if that ends up working out. But for now I'm trying to just relax and enjoy my weekend. Thinking it's time to lie down and just breathe for a while. I had a really strange dream last night so I'm looking forward to a little extra sleep this afternoon.

All my best,


P.S. I woke the girls up early today and that was a real positive. 


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