I almost typed 2017, but I'm ahead of myself. I woke up at one, took another melatonin and went back to bed for a while. My alarm went off at six, but I stayed in bed just laying there, not wanting to get up and start the day. I was talking to a friend who gets up and runs every morning. I was thinking about how I used to get up between four and five to go walking. Today I told myself that I was going to take a walk when I got up, but my bed was warm, and I could hear the wind howling outside. My neighbor was out with her dog, she's been doing a simple yoga video, there's a handful of women in my subdivision who are waking up and doing new things because they are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Today we are going over to see my sister and my new niece. There's no reason for me to be anxious. My mom is going to be there. She told me she bought me a present, I'm nervous and excited about that. She's not much of a just because present person. I know it isn't anything big, but small gifts have always meant more to me. Small gifts had a better chance of surviving. Small gifts were easier to track and monitor. It's easier to get over the loss of a small gift than something larger. Last night I listened to a journaling podcast that reminded me that journaling can be intentional and you can do some problem solving instead of just tapping out words so I can cross journaling off of my to do list.

The other day I read a post on paying all of your bills and then using the rest of the money as discretionary income. First you save and pay bills, then you give yourself so much each interval, a week or two weeks or even a month. I haven't been writing down what I've spent so far this March. I'm kind of disappointed in myself, but know that I can pick up a sheet of paper and have that resolved in two minutes. Yesterday I realized that the girls who are out for themselves are the kind of people that I've worked with in the past. More than learning about dental assisting, this is the perfect chance for me to be in the middle of a bitch fest and keep my distance.

The other day I deliberately left the dishes on the counter when I knew my ex was going to be stopping by. I'm always afraid that I'm going to get into trouble if I leave housework undone. This internal guilt and pressure isn't healthy so I'm taking some steps to try and minimize that. It's up to me to decide how often and when the dishes get done. I'm going to wash the dishes when I feel like it regardless of what others think or say. There's a post in Oprah's magazine about the secondary benefit of a problem. The three themes are typically freedom, rest, and kindness. When you lack the ability to ask for what you need you learn underhanded strategies of getting those needs met. 

One woman's story in particular resonated with me. She was a hypochondriac for years since it was easier for her to be unwell than to face the fact that her marriage was in shambles. I've done that in my own life. It was a hard realization, but I try to remember that when you know what is wrong, you have an opportunity to restructure your thoughts and actions going forward. I have this past vision of myself, today I am letting go of any thoughts of who I used to be and focusing on the person that I am. I am still smart. I'm still good at school. I'm still a great friend. I still have some loneliness and attachment issues. I'm still a flirt, I'm still fun. I still make mistakes. I'm still optimistic, quick, and creative. Today is a good day to be me. Tomorrow will be too. 

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