I sit here as I write this, reflecting how fortunate I am to be a citizen of the Commonwealth of Virginia. Now, I know everyone probably has a preference for their own state, province, or country, but I submit that Virginia has a lot to offer. My fair state has the courage to legislate against the inherent stupidity that has run amok on our highways.

What has caused my home state and the legislators therein to leap to the protection of the poor citizenry, you ask? Why, it is the brazen display of faux bull genitalia bumper ornaments.

You've never seen these items? Oh, you have led a sheltered life, my friend. Let me explain to you, if you've never been on the farm, that the male of the bovine species is one of the most ostentatious critters around when it comes to visible display of his lovemaking apparatus. Their testicles resemble a pair of good sized Idaho russet potatoes in a chamois sack. There they are, gently swaying as Sir Bull strolls about his domain.

Now, that's simply the way things are, the way Nature or our divine Creator made him to be. The problem comes into play when humans lend a hand, as they are wont to do.

Let's back up a step, first. It was years ago that I first saw a cow bell chained to the rear bumper of a stock trailer. Stock trailers are called a bullrack in trucker lingo. The first ones were genuine articles, probably borrowed from ol' Bossy to lend a unique bit of ornamentation. Like always happens, a trend started, and soon bullracks were running down the road with brass cowbells, chrome cowbells, stainless stell cowbells. You get the picture. If anything is worth doing, in the USA, it's worth overdoing.

Now, let's fast forward a little. Some enterprising yahoo made the leap of logic from thinking it was cool to strap a cow bell onto a rear bumper to attaching a set of bull testes with their attendant sack. I mean, how cool would that be? Of course, natural bull sackery isn't designed to hold up very well to the rigors of highway driving, so enter the creation of these faux bull sacks. The sack is usually of a durable fabric such as nylon while the twin nuggets inside are molded rubber. They come in various sizes and colors. There are natural sets, red sets, white sets, black ones, camo ones, and I'm sure red, white, and blue sets for those of a patriotic bent. They aren't just ornamentation for bullracks, either. They've started appearing from the rear bumpers of pick up trucks, the ubiquitous cowboy Cadillac.

So, we're up to the present day. One of my fellow citizens was innocently tooling down our fair highways, accompanied by her eight year old daughter, who spies this pair of faux bull testes on a rear bumper. You know what happened next, don't you? "Mommy, what are THOSE?" Poor old Mom wasn't prepared to go down that particular path of enlightenment at the moment, and resented being forced to explain. She also resented the driver of the vehicle displaying those examples of bovine masculinity. A light went off upstairs in her cranium.

Good old Mom did what any red blooded mother would do and contacted her state legislator, Delegate Lionel Spruill, and explained the dilemma. Spruill, after some reflection, has drafted a bill forbidding the display of any faux bull genitalia from a vehicle, crafting it as a safety issue instead of one of morality. His bill says that such displays create distracted drivers, a factor in many motor vehicle accidents. He recognizes that he'll take some ribbing for introducing the bill, but stands his ground. He said he is prepared to bring a set into the 400 year old Virginia legislature so lawmakers can see for themselves. I hope Delegate Spruill has the foresight to invest in a brass pair, he might need those.

This isn't the first time Virginia has tackled the tough issues faced by our society. It was just a few short years ago that the legislature considered a law banning jeans worn so low as to expose drawers, or worse yet, crackage. The bill went down to defeat, but a line was drawn in the sand. We Virginians will only go so far.

So, I sit here confident that my state lawmakers are on the job protecting me and my loved ones from phoney bull sacks. I'll rest well tonight secure in the belief that neither I nor my kin will be exposed to displays of genitalia while on the public thorofares of my fair state. There is some conflict though with our state motto "Virginia is for lovers". I suppose that is a little item that can be reconciled in committee.

So that's it from here, in good ol' Virginia. Wish you were here.



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