It was a lot of fun to log in and find new contributions to the serial story started by NFM. Last night I packed up the items on the list my daughter gave me over the phone and drove back out to my sister's house where the girls are staying. It was late when I got there and later when I left, but I'm glad I made the trip. Being able to hug each of the girls and spend even a few seconds with them was precious to me. Yesterday evening I opened my divorce paperwork. I went for a walk and cried through most of it. By the time I got back I was in a better frame of mind. It's over, it's been over for a long time and now I can start creating the life I want for myself and the girls. I have a roof over my head, enough money that I won't starve, and when I called the insurance company they said that they would need a letter before they could proceed so I'm in the process of obtaining that. I woke up at 4:16 this morning. I had planned to go to bed much earlier than that, but after my walk and the upsetting news my head was in a whirl again. I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and was actually on my way to bed when I saw the text from my oldest come through. I could have ignored it, but now I'm glad I gave it to the impulse to drive out and see the girls. 

I'm listening to Bon Jovi although I'm not sure how I got there because last night I was on a Genesis kick as Land of Confusion seemed to reflect my mood and how I felt. I went for a short walk after reading this morning. I went back to my ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life book and found that the four things people with ADD tend to neglect are: paperwork, reading, socializing, and exercizing. I wrote these out on a brightly colored Post-It note and stuck it in the book on that page to help me remember to find new ways to incorporate these needful things into my life. I know I will get overwhelmed if I try to do too many things at once so I'm doing more thinking about the problem than acting on it although I did recognize that anything I can do to make it easier for myself to take even a short walk around the block is going to help me get out the door. I bought myself a pair of running shoes, but it takes time to bend down and tie them so I slipped on my clogs and wore those. I've learned that first I need to develop the habit, later refinements like upgrading my footwear and getting some outfits together that I can wear on a walk can wait for now. I didn't drink enough water yesterday, that's another thing I'm working on since I start out well and get out of the habit as the day goes along. One thing that helps is to keep it out on the counter since I have the out of sight, out of mind problem many others with ADD also struggle with on a daily basis.

My therapist recommended I get ADD and Romance. It came in the mail the other day, but I was busy reading other books so this morning was the first chance I had to open it up. I'm seventy pages into it and if I had to give it a grade today it would receive an A. The guy who wrote it has ADD, the beginning was terribly depressing as I saw myself and my daughter in many of the character studies, but it got better as I kept reading which means I'm less likely to abandon it or add it to my wayward book pile. I want to go through and clean out the bookshelf in our living room so my ex can take it to the condo. It gives me a new sense of freedom to be able to refer to him as my ex. Reading the book was hard as I think my marriage could have worked and lasted had we both better understood the problems and been more open to medication. He was on it long ago, I don't know why he decided to stop taking it. I'm going to call my daughter's pediatrician after I discuss this with her therapist and I'm going to talk to my therapist to see what I need to do to start trying medication. There can be a learning curve so I'll have to work with a psychiatrist, but I'm all for this if it helps my brain produce more dopamine which is what the book says is partially responsible for the condition. The author talks about ADD as being a neurobiological problem where the synapses aren't as close together as they ought to be.

The book states that people are born with ADD and to get a diagnosis as an adult the problems should have been evident by age seven. For me it's still very difficult to accept and hear that this is a real condition since it seems like there are simpler explanations out there. Maybe I am really just lazy or disorganized or lack self control. Reading the book is giving me some hope and sometimes I think that if the condition was described as its symptoms it would be better tolerated by people I will jokingly call ADD truthers. This book exposed a new facet of the disorder, several in fact, I think my mom has ADD after reading about the tendency of some of these people to be argumentative regardless of the context. My oldest daughter very often does this, I do it, my husband does, and I've seen it in others. If I'm recalling this correctly the book explains that people with ADD are seeking the type of stimulation they aren't getting enough of so they argue to create the drama they crave. It doesn't really matter what you say, they'll find a way to counter it. The example they gave which I thought was brilliant was a man stating that it was a nice day and his wife countering with a statement that it was windy. When he said something else she disagreed with that.

Everyone disagrees with others, but I think that this is a valid assessment of some people with ADD. The book talks about different types of ADD, I didn't get into that since I wanted to keep reading, but I'm going to go back and reread that section. In the future I'm going to start taking notes or putting bookmarks in sections that I know I'm going to want to refer to at a later point in time since I've noticed that this happens to me frequently. There is a lot of content in this book, it's a lot to take in at once so my plan is to read the book and go back to it after I've had more time to process this. What I especially loved about this book is how the author explains that people can have other issues besides ADD that contribute to difficult relationships. There was a wonderful section on how people with ADD can seem passive aggressive without actually being that way. They can also actually be passive aggressive so it can be tricky to decipher whether the behavior is a symptom or stemming from whatever else causes passive aggressive tendencies and behavior in others. Something I've noticed about myself is I can get angry later when at the time I had good intentions. That's another conversation for my therapist because I can see how that would be extremely frustrating for others. 

As with many things in life sometimes where you're at makes it a challenge to get to where you want to go. I've had a lot of jobs because I get bored and quit or get fired. Another book said that a lot of people with ADD work for themselves, my ex-husband does and has been very successful, I think that I could be too if I can overcome some of my reservations concerning the areas I'm not very good at. I used to write about baseball games I watched from a footwear perspective. I thought about doing that again since I haven't watched a game in a while and that's something productive I could be doing and something that I miss. I've been avoiding taking my new shoes outside. I'm not a hundred percent sold on them, but when I put them on my feet were happier than they were before. My feet roll out when I walk, the majority of the population has a neutral foot or rolls in so fewer shoes are produced for people with my foot type, I should probably write something about that, I should make a list of things I want to write about and start ticking them off as that would organize my thoughts and ideas better. I have a lot of knowledge and information to share and I'm hoping that I can revive my interest in footwear and baseball as these are things I'm passionate about that would give me more social opportunities as well. 

My sister and brother-in-law suggested finding groups of people to hang out with. I might join a book club although I haven't really enjoyed them in the past. What I'd really like is some exerise buddies or walking partners, I tend to put off joining classes since they intimidate me, now money is more of a factor than it was. I keep driving past a martial arts place in town. I'm going to ask my husband if he'd be willing to pay for classes for the girls. Then I'd just have to come up with the money for myself. Even if we don't like it, we can always have that time we spent together as a family. Now that I'm officially single again I've been thinking about people and what I want and am looking for in a possibly future partner. During my walk and my drive home I was thinking about character traits and interests that I'm searching for in someone else. Here's what I came up with while I was reflecting:

1. Must like lists (A friend of mine on Twitter said that and it made me laugh)

2. Has a wide variety of interests

3. I'd like someone who is interesting, adventuresome, kind, generous, witty, clever, intelligent, frugal, can spend time alone and with me, I need someone who is active and I need to avoid people who are fanatical since I have a tendency to be that way and if our interests and passions conflict there will be problems. I want a reader, a writer, a baseball fan or at least someone who understands that it holds a place in my life, I want a kisser, a hugger, a toucher, I can handle introverts or extroverts since I flip between the extremes on that spectrum, even tempered would be great, if this person isn't a cook I would like them to appreciate my experiments and I absolutely will not go out with anyone who isn't willing to go gluten free if it ever gets serious. That's a deal breaker since I have food allergies and it probably sounds silly, but I could die if I kissed someone who had recently eaten something like lobster or anything else I'm deathly allergic to. I realize that's going to limit my options, but I can't afford to be tolerant of anyone who doesn't respect my health. I want someone who wants to walk down to the library, maybe hit a couple of shops downtown, and doesn't mind me chatting up the stranger next to me in line. I like experiences and I need someone else who does too.

4. I want someone who is going somewhere. Short term goals, longer goals, I don't want someone who is content with where they're at in the sense that they don't want new experiences in their life. 

5. I want someone who enjoys and appreciates music and doesn't mind if I sing along and change the channel every two seconds. 

6. I need a cheerleader. I need someone who believes in me, encourages me, someone who desires me physically and I'm used to having sexual encounters three or four times a week so it would be great if this person was on a similar schedule. I'm easily bored, but I also like and crave routine. Sex is a release that works for me so I appreciate others who understand that.

7. More than love I want to be respected. I can respect people I don't love and love people I don't respect, but ideally this person is someone I love and respect that feels the same way about me.

8. I will absolutely not tolerate anyone who routinely puts me or anyone else down. I'm not a fan of sarcasm, snark, or egotistical jerks. I can handle and even like a bit of ego. I'm not a shrinking violet, I'm emotional and needy, but I can also be very confident and even a bit ruthless. I don't let a lot stand between me and what I want. I figure out what it is and start planning how to get it whether that's a meal or a man.

9. I married someone who wasn't a Christian. Going forward I'm going to be shopping for someone whose values more closely align with mine. I'll screw someone three times a day after I'm married to them, before that, good luck getting much of anything out of me although I can be a wicked flirt so someone who flirts back the way I like would have a stronger case than someone who is obvious instead of more subtle. The battle of wits while flirting is a huge turn on for me, but I also like guys who are funny and can laugh at themselves with others. I can handle people who are on the outrageous side, but I also have a deep need for financial security. What this looks like in real life is someone who is a bit shocking conversationally or socially, but also has a budget and sticks to it. I like the free birds, but I need someone who has their feet firmly planted on the ground. I have practical streaks, but I don't think most people would say it's a strength of mine. 

10. I want someone I can forgive that also forgives me when I need it. I grew up with way too much law so I'm going to fill my life with more Gospel going forward. I can handle physical, mental, verbal, and emotional abuse, but kindness will make me cry. I'm expecting others to have good boundaries as I learn more about how to set them, I want the basics and the funny thing is that those simple things like good communication and realistic expectations are so rare and hard to find. There's a lot of guys that I'm attracted to that I know aren't good for me. That's the thrill seeking side of me and I have to learn how to avoid crash and burn type relationships where I block off the good and let the bad keep coming. 

Right now this is an unstructured list that came to me while I was otherwise occupied. For all I know I'll end up a spinster aunt who loves plants, writing, and cooking. Constant stimulation is my friend, I'm pretty good at finding ways to enteratin myself, but I have that restlessness that is going to drive some people crazy. There's a song about needing a lover who won't drive someone crazy. I want someone who will drive me crazy in the right ways. I like little presents, people who do things for me and others, and I'm suspicious of declarations of love that aren't backed up by actions. I want a man who is going to proud of me, someone who loves me enough to introduce me to close friends and family members as someone who is special in their lives. I've done a lot of things wrong and made a lot of mistakes that I deeply regret, it's about time that I used the new tools I have to do some of these things right. There is life out there, I have faith that God is going to use this less than ideal situation to accomplish something great, and over the years I've learned that sometimes, the big things in life are the small things that get us out of bed every morning and tuck us back into bed at night.

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