Going to be another shorty today since I don't have a lot of time before my aunt comes over. Jill had a bloody nose last night and I'm really frustrated because my husband showed up late with no supper plan and no water for the girls during kickball. I didn't know kickball was part of the plan or I could have helped the girls get ready sooner. I try to push fluids during the day, but as the old expression goes, yoSu can lead a teenager to water, but you can't make them drink although I am having her sit at the table with a quart jar that she can sip during the day. I went downstairs to see who was doing laundry and found that she had put her comforter in the wash. When I questioned her about it she told me it had regular dirt on it. Then she told me she had spilled on it. Then she claimed that she had spilled baked beans on it when in reality it was the nose bleed that prompted the trip down to the laundry room. While I'm glad that she addressed the issue right away I don't like it that I had to drag it out of her. Lying is a function of trust. If you don't trust another person, you aren't going to tell them the truth if you're afraid that the consequences of truth telling are going to be greater than the consequences of the lie. I get so mad when people lie to me, but I also realize that I need to build and strengthen the relationship so the girls aren't as afraid to tell me the truth. 

I had another long talk with my aunt yesterday. I stayed out in the sun too long and picked up a mild burn that led to a long and sleepless night. It's still pretty cold here so we're still wearing layers and warmer clothes. It will get warmer as the day goes along, but our house is shaded by many trees so it will typically stay cooler for longer. My aunt is going to help me with some yard work that I've been putting off. I have a list of important calls to make today. I need to call Jill's pediatrician and schedule an appointment for her. I also need to call the health insurance people and see if I can email in our joint tax return which may mean I don't get health insurance coverage even if he is no longer living with us. He wants to put two double beds over at the condo. I don't want the girls sleeping in a smoky place and unfortunately their room is one of the most problematic areas. I feel like there's no need to have them spend the night over there when they can just as easily stay at home. I don't like it that he's taking them to kickball with his girlfriend, but there's not much I can do about that so I have to let that go. I read more of my Suze Orman book last night. She's great for getting into the nuts and bolts of finance and I'm taking the things she says to heart. I can't put this stuff any longer than I already have, but I'm trying not to feel guilty about it because that never helps anything, action does.

I took a short walk this morning. I made myself ride my daughter's bike yesterday. My bike had a brake that wasn't working thanks to my daughter's carelessness with it. I found my bike had been left outside for who knows how long so I rode hers instead of mine. I guess the brake issue may not be her fault, but it was working the last time I rode it and I don't appreciate her being so careless with my things. I talked to her therapist yesterday. She agreed that both girls could do back to back half hour sessions which is wonderful news. I showed her a letter my youngest wrote that concerned me and I have to remember to bring a copy of it in when she goes in for her first appointment next Wednesday. I need to get better about speaking up about things right away in a tone that is neutral. It's hard for me to stop and think when I'm in the moment so I'm going to try a trick called taking a breath before you speak. This tiny break can sometimes help people stay on topic and compose themselves better. I'm hoping it works for me and I think it will as long as I remember to keep doing it. 

I'm not nearly as calm as I have been in past days. I'm not sure if that's lack of sleep, anxiety, or what, but it's a very unpleasant and uncomfortable feeling. I feel unprepared and ill equipped to handle the day. I made my bed, we have the laundry situation under control, I have a food plan for the rest of the day even if he flakes out again, and my aunt is going to come and help me which is always fun for our family. Last night a friend sent me a message on Twitter, I didn't see it until I woke up in the middle of the night and it made me feel very loved and cared about when I saw it, especially since he has a tendency to be flirty and outrageous on regular Twitter, not necessarily with me, but that's his online persona. This felt very authentic probably because it's exactly the kind of message I send others and it was oddly soothing to see an echo of my own voice coming back to me. I hate feeling so jittery and nervous when I have no reason to be. I can call and get through the calls. I'm up and dressed and ready for the day and excited about my aunt's ideas for my yard that we may have to implement in stages since I'm not in a position to fund this, and I don't know how much he'll be willing to spend on curb appeal for a house that we aren't planning on selling anytime soon. My aunt is bringing irises and maybe some geraniums or pansies for my porch to brighten it up a bit. 

Yesterday I bought some summer clothes at Goodwill. For thirty dollars I came home with a couple pairs of shorts, a skirt, and a couple of t-shirts. One pair is too big and I'll have to take those back if my aunt or sister doesn't want them or they don't fit them. They weren't that expensive, but I really have to be conscious of what I'm spending. I don't feel bad about buying what I did because I needed summer things and for once I bought a lot of neutral things that I can mix and match apart from a blue shirt with thin white stripes that I need to find something to go with. I found a pair of dress shorts that are practically brand new and I'm more conscious about what I'm putting into my mouth although I'm still eating out of stress and frustration rather than actual hunger. But the good news is the past couple of nights I really wanted something chocolately and I was able to resist the temptation which made me feel better about myself and my ability to say no to things that are not going to be in my best interest for the long haul. We might go out for supper tonight, my aunt said she would pay, I feel bad about that, but she offered and I know she doesn't mind taking us out since it's something of a treat for her as she didn't get to go out much when she was a kid.

I saw a friend of mine at the therapist's office. She shared some things with me that made me feel bad for her. Other people's lives are never exactly what they seem. Despite her gorgeous home, pool, and apparent wealth, her husband keeps her on a very strict budget while he spends what he wants to on whatever he needs or wants. I remember being at their old house when our children were younger. He came home, didn't really say hi to any of us, sat in front of the TV, barely paid attention to his sons who were climbing over him and then left without telling us where he was going. When he came back he put some leftovers in the fridge. My friend was so embarrassed that he had gone out and not asked us if we wanted to come along or at least offered to bring us something. I thought that was awful until I realized that my husband does the same thing in a slightly different manner. It's really strange what you can get used to as a child or a partner. My dad would go out and get treats from the gas station. He would send us with money and without enough for us to get a treat for ourselves. He would sit there eating chips or drinking soda in front of us and I'm sure that's why I hate chips and soda to this day. It's such a little thing, but when you're not giving people love and affection and you're yelling at them when they bring the wrong treat home for you, yeah, your kids are going to obey out of fear and a sense of duty instead of one of loving compliance for a fair request.

It's disheartening to see me parenting the way that I was raised, but I'm taking strides to work on this and one thing I don't do is buy treats that are just for me unless there's a specific reason like I asked them to do something and I had to do it myself so the treat goes to whoever helped clean. I don't think treats always need to be shared, but it shouldn't be so one sided either way. The other night my husband took the girls out and didn't bring a treat home for me. That stung when I thought of all the times I had bought food I wouldn't have if I didn't think he would like it, but that's another thing that I have to let go so I can move forward. I'm tired and sore and achy and have a feeling this will not be the best day by the time my sister and her kids come over, but I'm determined to make the best of it anyways. I have twenty-seven days left of June and so far I haven't touched any of the money in my checking account which is hooray for me although I know the bills and expenses are coming. I think I've earned more, I've asked for more, but I'm not going to make a fuss if I don't get it. I have so many thoughts whirling in my head right now, I have to get going and get on with my day, these undone things are stressing me out and I just need to start tackling them so I can begin feeling better ASAP.

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