I'm surprised I'm up as early as I am considering how late I stayed up last night. I had a really rough afternoon yesterday. After finishing my book I started cleaning the oven. I took the drawer out, swept underneath it and sprayed this horrible smelling spray on it that a girlfriend and her husband recommened as being amazing. I talked to my youngest sister and then my middle sister. I ended up going over to her house for a book on plants and to spend some time with her. We did some cleaning, I watched and talked to her for the most part which is something I dream of having in a partner. After that we took her dog for a really long walk. Yesterday I received a bill for utilities at the condo. I spent some time being very angry, devastated at how stupid I had been throughout the years. A guy I know is getting divorced, he said that right now he hates everything, and I can kind of relate even though there are bright spots in my life.

My closet was bugging me so I took the doors out, color coded the hangers so we each have a separate color, and pulled out every book I had on organizing and decluttering. When those failed to provide adequate inspiration I turned to the internet and Googled for help. The two suggestion I liked best recommended treating your closet as a mini store where clothes are laid out for you to shop, and to think of your closet as a room and pay attention to paint, lighting, and small furnishings. I must have been on a dark blue kick the last time I went shopping since that's the primary shirt color in there. I don't have much clothes, I'm still trying to get better about buying mix and match pieces that go with other things. This guy I watched groups his clothes into every day neutrals that go with everything, interesting color and texture pieces to spice the other things up, and an archive section that he rotates in and out of use. That's too much work for me, but I found his first ideas worthy of consideration. 

Some time ago I found an amazing book at the library that I didn't ever finish because I was so overwhelmed with her approach. I simply can't see myself buying and selling the amount of clothes that she and her clients seem to own. I need more of what I would call foundation pieces and I'm realizing that another problem of mine is finding shoes that go with anything. I find myself buying shoes without considering what they're going to go with so now I'm going to learn how to build outfits from the ground up which is what I tell others to do. Maybe it's time to start following some of my own advice. I felt like I really needed a treat after sweeping the driveway and working on the oven which will stilll require further cleaning so I drove out to Goodwill to see if I could find some of the things on my list. I found a cute summer dress that I could probably wear in the winter if I had a sweater. I bought some books and a rusty cast iron Dutch oven that was a splurge, but I've wanted one for at least twenty years and I know I'll get a lot of use out of it even if it's not the brand name I wish that it was. 

There were two deck chairs I wanted, but someone else snapped those up before I could get to them which is probably a good thing. I'm excited about the books that I bought, so far the only one I've really had a chance to look at is my Garden Blueprints book. I bought this since I need a plan and I liked the idea of someone showing me which plants could go where. One thing I think the authors could have done better is indicate which zones these plants will grow in, but I can look up my ideas online and talk to people at stores or even my mom if I need some help there. I'd like to frame some of the artwork the girls have done, but didn't bring anything to measure with so I passed on the picture frames. I'm thinking about painting a section of my dining room floor. The design book I bought has a lot of different scenarios so I'm anticipating good strategies in there. I wish I had more money to do some of these things around the house, but for now, this is where I'm at. 

From my point of view it's better to have the ideas and the talent than the money without a clear plan so I feel as if that's advancement on my part. For as much stuff as I've taken to Goodwill recently the decluttering process is far from over. I read a blog on the minimalist kitchen that convinced me I have what I need there although I would like to upgrade my knives eventually. Another thing I'd like is a set of dishes that has all the pieces I need. I bought some orange mugs and bowls at the dollar store when I was still married. The bowls are too big so I'm going to get rid of those. I need to do something to make some money, I think one of the things that I'm really upset about is how ignorant I was of how much he made and what I was given to live on as a stay at home mom. I was really naive and gullible. It created a lot of stress and it was unfair to me regardless of what he says. I guess I'm just not very good at assessing my own worth and a lot of the other women I know aren't either. This is another thing I'll just have to keep working on so I don't get into this situation ever again. 

It's hard to think that I loved and trusted someone else to be fair and love me enough to put me ahead of some of the other things that were purchased that we didn't really need. I overlooked a lot of very obvious signs that he just didn't give a fuck and that's hard to think about today. I bought a book on codependency that I'm looking forward to reading in a - I know this will be dreadful at first, but I really need to do this - way. I'm too honest sometimes. I have deep seated guilt and I find myself with people who take advantage of my natural generosity. Last night I talked to this guy that I liked more before we had that conversation. It wasn't really bad, but it became clear as it went on that this guy isn't for me which made me sad because I really like him. I'm thinking of deleting my Snapchat account since the only snaps that I get that I really like and want to see are from my friend who is currently down in Australia. The rest of them are from married men and those make me uncomfortable.

A friend of mine is quitting his job covering minor league baseball. Tennis is very fortunate to be getting him, I hope he stays in touch, I have kind of a crush on him even though he's married. Mostly it's because he writes so well and I think he has a good heart although that's just my impression based on fairly limited interactions with him. He was the first person I interviewed, he has the same name as a woman I follow on Twitter, I guess I should say they had the same name before she got married although she hasn't changed her Twitter handle and I find that strange. She just had a little girl and it made me kind of envious to think that those days are gone for me. I'm melancholy today. The future is bright, but I'm frustrated by the current circumstances. I feel like a piece of art that someone left on the table. I got colored on, spilled on, scribbled on, cried over, used as an impromptu coaster when what I really needed was framing and hanging and admiration.

I can't describe how some of this is making me feel. I grew up in small towns with pretty simple people. I feel like the country mouse who is perpetually confused by the slicker and smarter city mice in my life. I think about the people I knew way back when and how far away I've gotten from the things I want to be priorities in my life. I'm listening to Patsy Cline, her music is providing a good back drop for this cold and damp day. I'm wearing jeans and a long sleeved shirt for church. I'm cold today. Cold on the outside and colder on the inside. I need more friends in my life. People I can call up and chat with who aren't my family. It's not healthy to only have family as friends. My family has a role in my life, but I can't keep running to them for every emotional need I have. I have therapy this week and I'm so looking forward to going. My days are long without a lot to occupy them so I sit there and think. I keep myself busy at times, but then there are those other times when I come across things I wish I wouldn't have. Maybe you know what I mean. I can't write anymore today. I feel like I'll never get past the hurt and isolation of being kicked to the curb so unceremoniously. I know I will, but today it just doesn't feel like I'm making any progress at all. Sad, lonely, depressed, I need a nap...

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