I woke up late feeling dull and unrested. Last night he had the girls so I watched some baseball by myself. It was strange, like a world I had lived in long ago that I was visiting again. I dropped off my application, standing there nervously and talking too much. They got a call before the tour had really started so we watched them head out to attend to a responsive child. I took the girls to the grocery store, spent more than I had intended to as it was an impulse trip, and swung back around to see if people had returned from their call. They had so our tour resumed. The girls were goofing around and interrupting. I was annoyed and embarrassed by that. Finally we sent them outside, but not before they stood there arguing with me like children who were much younger than they actually are.

The fire station is an unpretentious flat roofed building that resides across from the Carnation plant. The air smells like chocolate since this is a plant that manufactures powdered hot cocoa and chocolate diet drinks. No matter what you do you will never be able to counter the fine powdery dust that settles on everything. Fires there result in everyone coming back covered in a sloppy pudding type mixture that has to be cleaned off of people and equipment. In the training room we saw rolls of building plans so if there was a collapse people would be able to pull out the drawings and locate victims. There's a kitchen, a couple sets of dorm rooms that are utilitarian and functional, a men's locker room and a bathroom that has a small shower.

We walked past a workshop area that the guy who was showing me around said that he was going to clean up. In a small narrow storage area we saw a stack of blankets that he said were very old and a box marked teddy bears that they sometimes give to young children if there is one available to hand out. The reflective stickers have to be applied by hand. Rows and rows of them went in a diagonal line across the back of a truck and I marveled about everything these people do on a regular basis that most people don't know about. Laundry needs to be done, vehicles need to be cleaned. Sometimes people's clothing is destroyed by a call. In those cases it will be replaced if there is a request submitted. 

I met an older woman who said I looked familiar. She seemed very nice, giving me a warm smile and chatting after she logged off of her Facebook account. We were in a living area type place when the guy was telling her about the controlled burn they ran the other day. A church in town is coming down to give the bank across the street more parking. Like clouds, you can find shapes in fires. We saw the letter E, a fiery Grim Reaper filling a massive doorway, and a dancing gypsy with a towering flame of hair. I heard fires being described in technical terms. Fires today burn hotter and more quickly due to the reliance on petrochemicals that find their way into flooring and other building materials. I heard about fires generating their own tornadoes and even though the people seemed relaxed enough, there was the type of behavior I associate with other high stress high pressure jobs.

I'm not sure if anyone else would make the comparison, but last night I watched ballplayers chomping on gum, aggressively chewing it and blowing bubbles with wads of pink. Some use smokeless tobacco, there's a high energy sort of intensity that makes me wary and excited. Equipment is meticulously maintained even in the dingy building. There's a personality type and qualities that these people share. I saw plaques with names and faces, some with two dates behind them. Every year there's a pancake breakfast and firefighters march in the local parades. I have no idea if this is going to work out. There's a lot to think about and a lot to take in at once. I'm not really an outdoors person. I think I could do it, but I'm not sure that I want to after going down there yesterday. Part of me wants to chicken out. Another part wants to keep going. 

I have a tendency to get wrapped up in a certain theme or hobby and then quickly lose interest. On the other hand, some of these passions stick with me. I still think nutrition is important, footwear hasn't lost me for good and I'm still writing here even after the other day when I got upset and didn't feel like I should be contributing anymore. I'm going to talk to my therapist more about some of these things. I want to rely less on her going forward and I think that I will. I'm mailing the health insurance letter today and trying not to worry too much about the future. I may not get the job. I may get the job and hate it. I may not get it and go back to school for it anyways. I might find something else to do that is an even better fit for my skill set. All I can do is keep trying. 

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