Yesterday I didn't feel like I had anything to write about. I've been thinking about my habits, what I do, why I do it, why I don't do some of the things I want to be doing. Last night was awful. I couldn't breathe and I didn't know what to do since none of the usual things were working. Not being able to breathe is scary, but that knowledge is tempered by the fact that you know that if you get upset things will only get worse. I took the girls to the mall for Jane's birthday. Since I had gotten so little sleep the night before I thought about not going. I probably should have explained that I wasn't feeling well due to lack of sleep, and I needed to go home to take a nap, but instead I drove to the bank, a couple of stores, and the mall.

Here's what I liked and went well about the outing - I liked that I was in control of what happened. The girls didn't know if I was going to go through with the mall so they were excessively solicitous and asked how I was feeling repeatedly. I knew we would get hungry at the mall and since I'm not big on mall food I stopped at the store to pick up some deli salads and fruit. That was probably the smartest thing I did that day because we weren't starving when we arrived at the mall. Before we stopped at the mall I went to a store to see if I could find another laundry basket like the one I had. I couldn't find any others like it that I loved enough to buy, but I did find a larger basket, two tangerine colored double faced Turkish towels, a waste basket that I liked, and bed risers. 

My neck has been giving me trouble so I googled how to shop for pillows. I tend to be a side sleeper so I need a firmer pillow. The pair I found had been sliced with a box cutter. I got ten percent off for choosing the damaged set, and it does seem as if they help slightly. The pillow I really want is at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, but I'm going to have to save up for that. At the mall we stopped at Teavana which is such a rip-off, but it feels like a treat for the girls and I have to admit to me too. After that we went down the hall to Bath and Body Works which is one of my daughter's favorite stores. We hit The Lush, MAC, Sephora, and another store where I actually bought something for the girls. 

Had it not been her birthday I wouldn't have spent anything in there, they have a perfume I've always liked, but it was sixty bucks and for that I can let go of the idea that people will associate that scent with me. There was a small barrel of sale items so we bought a bag with some soap, bubble, bath, and lotion, and another one with shampoo, conditioner, body wash, lotion, and a small bar of soap. One of them had a tin of solid perfume, I can't remember which one that was, but that probably doesn't really matter. This stuff was ridiculously overpriced, but Jane liked it, I liked it, and Jill liked the items we didn't in the bags. The girls wanted to go out to eat after we left the mall, but I told them we had food in the car and after spending what we had, we no longer had money to go out to eat.

At therapy I read in my art of self defense book. I'm still having trouble working through the exercises, maybe if I put one here I could think through it better. There are things I don't want to write about and I'm not sure how I should treat them. I want to write about them for myself, but in the past writing just for me hasn't worked well. Last night really shook me. I'm alone, somewhat lonely, I don't really want to go out on dates, I want a partner. I should probably get a dog. I feel adrift without an anchor, losing sight of the shore as it becomes darker and louder out at sea. Nobody taught me how to sail so I'm at the mercy of the winds and the waves. I used to feel like I could say more here. I probably can, maybe I just don't want to anymore.

The girls and I had a sex talk last night. I don't remember how it started, but we were in my room when the conversation turned to boys and dating. One of the questions I was asked was how to blow a guy. Instead of spending a lot of time explaining technique, I explained that they should only be doing things like that for one reason, because they truly wanted to be doing it. I explained that they didn't have to do it because he was nice, because he was asking for it or demanding it, or because he had bought them a present or taken them out on a nice date. We talked about the clitoris, the female orgasm, male pleasure, and how to flirt. Their idea of flirting was giving guys come hither looks, sexy poses, and bolder moves like grabbing themselves. 

It was an awkward conversation. Jane wanted to turn on the lights. I was tired so I said I'd prefer to have them off and fortunately Jill sided with me. It was a great opportunity to talk about the things that happen between them and a partner. We touched on birth control, condoms, how, when, and where to buy them, we didn't get into putting them on someone, but I didn't want to get off topic with details like that. We talked about who is responsible for birth control and what happens if someone wants to do something you're uncomfortable with or not really ready to do. The girls were both revolted by the idea of a blow job, less so at the idea of receiving oral sex. When we talked about using fingers on women they thought that would hurt. It was a very open and frank disucssion and I'm glad that they shared what was on their minds to the extent that they did. I have less than twenty-four hours left of this week. I'm giving it a solid B.

There were things that did not go well, on their part and mine, but many things that we did or didn't do that I feel is a hallmark of progress. Not being able to breathe is killing me very, very slowly. I don't feel like I can go outside for walks. Going up and down the stairs is difficult. It saps what little energy I have. Sleep eludes me, when I am asleep I don't wake up feeling as if I had slept at all. I feel like I should be absolutely furious with him for not spending some money to clean the air ducts and deliberately doing things that would make my life harder, but I'm too weak and weary to do much of anything. I feel about half a step away from a physical or emotional crisis, and thought it was mildly amusing that one of the arguments in my verbal self defense book was between a Doctor and a Patient who has just been told that everyone knows they have an emotional condition instead of a physical one. 

There are more things that I could be doing, but this is not right in a big way and I'm lost as to how to deal with it and overcome it. Last night my asthma and allergy meds weren't really that effective for very long. The anxiety pill either. I don't know what to do next or how I'm going to keep going when I feel like this. I have limited blood traveling through my body, I feel like it's all sitting in my gut trying to digest whatever is in there. I need to clean up my diet further, but I've been pretty good these past couple of days so I'm wondering if it is something in the air outside, it could be an emotional or psychological problem, I honestly don't know what the root of it is or I would try and do something about that. The tile guy is coming on Monday. I'm hoping that once he hangs drywall in that bathroom the smell will be reduced/eliminated. All I can do is all I can do, and right now, that's not a while lot. But I have to remember that it could be a lot worse.

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