Writing is good for me which makes me wonder why I don't do it more often. The other day I bought some shoes. I bought some clothes, I like the shoes and I like the clothes, however, I'm also trying to be better about managing my money. So far I have sold two cars, today was not a great day as far as car sales go, yet, it was rewarding in another way. A woman I work with was up front working on our side even though she has another role. She's filling in for another woman who is on vacation, on a side note, one of the things I like about where I work is the fact that we have at least one male receptionist, and we have a couple female members of management, but I digress. 

The replacement receptionist and I were talking, and I don't know how we got onto this topic of conversation, but it was powerful once we went down that rabbit hole. She had mentioned that she wished she had a guy who was as nice as one of the men we work with, I said he does nothing for me, but I can see why she might have said what she did. Then we were talking about men in general, what we liked, what we didn't care for, and she told me something really personal. I had a very similar experience, and there's no doubt in my mind that we are just two of countless people who have lived this life. We both ended up in tears, a guy we work with walked past without noticing either of us, and it was so funny to me that I almost started laughing.

Later on she helped me out with something else, but in that moment I had a choice; to bottle up and block what I was feeling, or to let those uncomfortable thoughts and associated emotions flow through me. I chose the latter, and I feel like I learned something valuable today. Later on a different guy I work with walked past my office and stuck his head in to see how I was. I tried to pretend that everything was fine, but when I ran into him after lunch, he told me that he could tell that something was wrong. I don't know how it is possible for one person to walk past two crying women and not react while another sensed that I was not okay while sitting in the comfort and privacy of my office, it was an interesting study in human behavior to say the least. 

During my lunch hour I went to the shoe store. The sales lady acted as if she had never heard of my size, and when I mentioned that I had just tried on the shoes I was asking about the other day she gave me a look that I did not appreciate. She came back carrying the shoes and handed them to me with a somewhat apologetic tone. But she didn't actually apologize to me, and I was acutely aware of her the entire time I was walking around. I had this inner battle with myself; but in the end I walked out after thanking her. Once I had left I found the business card of the woman who had sold me two pairs of shoes the other day, called her, and had them set aside the shoes that I wanted.

That sales lady lost a sale because she made me so angry I couldn't talk. I had contemplated buying a second pair of the shoes I bought the other day. I like them well enough; they fit, and it's hard to find good supportive shoes in my size. I could go buy a pair of Birkenstock sandals, but the last time I bought a pair of shoes from the place in town they wouldn't take back a pair I bought on clearance even though I had never worn them outside of the house, and had only worn them for a couple of minutes inside. She could have bent the policy for me; didn't, and now I don't feel like supporting her either. 

This afternoon I attended some training and that was interesting. I ended up staying late because nobody told me about this training, and the earlier session was full. It ended up working out, but that's the kind of thing that I do not like, and I can't imagine many love to stay almost an hour past the time they should leave, especially after an emotionally draining morning. Nothing really happened so I wonder if I was just so tired that everything seemed like a much larger deal than it actually was. One side note; while I was helping the fill in receptionist I took several calls. It is unbelievably how incredibly self centered some people can be. If we took a message and haven't gotten back to you in two hours, maybe we are busy? Just a thought Mr. Fox.

I want to buy things, I want to save money. I want security and stability, I want freedom and independence. I want comfortable routines and new experiences. I want a romantic relationship and to guard my heart. I want to jump up and down for joy, cry my eyes out, and have people view me as a somewhat rational adult. I want to be cute and feminine, but let my peers and management know that I am not a dumb blonde. The other day I asked my Twitter followers if I should buy an iPad. They all said yes, and the most compelling argument was that it was more fun than one user could have imagined. I miss fun. We used to be on better terms than we have been lately. The job has been largely good for me, but I have a ways to go when it comes to letting go.

This place tends to hire women who are competent and independent rather than warm and nurturing with rare exceptions. I don't really know what most people think of me, and I guess I don't really care too much either. I'm probably viewed differently now that I have some sales under my belt and that's frustrating even though it's understandable. I forget the context, but the other my boss said something interesting. It's one of those places where people are watching and talking about you, but you aren't a part of those conversations. I don't know how the gossip travels, and again, I can't bother myself to try and find out. I try to be myself while being somewhat cautious, but the things I get into trouble for are never the things that make sense to me so whatever.

Could write more, but I am extremely tired and need some sleep. 



P.S. This job is so brutal, I have no idea why I thought it would be a good move, except in a lot of ways, it was, and still is, I'm just having a momentary lapse of confidence here.


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