New stress popped up.
I swore to myself I would take time off the next time horror appeared. But how? Sigh. I'd better do it or else I will just get sick again and take involuntary time off.
I asked for an extra massage appointment and it was yesterday evening.
I kept dropping out during the massage. It's more interactive muscle tensing and relaxing than a passive massage, so he can tell when I drop out.
It is a hypnogogic state, from what I've read. I am not asleep. I am entirely disconnected from my body and I see things. Visions, pictures, I don't know what to call them. The first one that I remember yesterday was the Food Coop, I saw brightly colored blocks that I knew were chocolate covered with wax: yellow, green, red. There used to be a company called back packer's chocolate. My daughter loved it: wonderful chocolate with a wax cover to protect it. They are no longer in business. There is another chocolate at the coop, my daughter has said, but it's in a cooler and not covered with wax.
Another vision was of a sky in pastels with animals and birds and trees still black, silhouetted. Gorgeous. Like a watercolor of one of those magical skies.
One time I dropped out for so long that when I was back, my massage person had moved my arm significantly. I had a long moment of disorientation: my arm is not where I left it. Where is it? Did the arm move or the body?
There were so many drop outs and visions that I couldn't absorb them all. It feels like I am connected to the universe. Also during it, there is no I. I see things, but I have no body and no desires. I realized too, that I don't see anything bad ever. Or else in that state there is no good or bad. I am just there watching with no judgement.
It is so peaceful. And beautiful. And all connected.
I wished, selfishly, that I could stay there.
But.... I think that is where we will go. And everyone.