britches, buckle your belts, and keep all arms, legs, tentacles, and
antennae inside the vehicle; I’m about to take you for the ride of
your life. Jacob
Rothschild. Just look at the guy. Insect? Insect.
may say, “That’s ridiculous! I’m going to close this write-up,
you’re boring me halfway across the globe. In
response, I urge you to open the images division of your web browser
of choice and search up ‘Jacob Rothschild’. Carefully examine his
beautiful, shiny, mildly-euphoric head. Notice anything strange? . .
. nothing? Oh really? Look more closely. Stare at his (lack-of a)
hairline and take in the splendor of his magnificent exterior until
your peripheral vision fades to a black haze. Focus your intellect
upon the divinity of his form. Do you reckon that his overly-large
cranium could be housing a set of antennae? I reckon they take up
quite a bit of space, too . . .
Now that we’ve
established that he is master beetle from spoilsbury toast boy, I want to make sure that you understand
one thing. Everybody who has died in Peru in the past 81 years has
died during Jacob Rothschild’s lifetime. Now, this information may
seem shocking at first. I mean, this man would dare threaten the sanctity of
Peruvian blood? Hoo boy, there’s more. Everyone who has died
worldwide during the past 81 years has died during his lifetime.
Yessirree. This man is responsible for horrors unimaginable. Billions
of deaths. Disease. Even fingernail cancer. But worst of all? This
man is responsible for sporks.
Just to top it all off, I
would like to provide you with a video that will undoubtedly change
the way you see reality. Watch at your own risk, because this is
going to blow your mind.