Fasten your britches, buckle your belts, and keep all arms, legs, tentacles, and antennae inside the vehicle; I’m about to take you for the ride of your life. Jacob Rothschild. Just look at the guy. Insect? Insect.

Now, you may say, “That’s ridiculous! I’m going to close this write-up, you’re boring me halfway across the globe. In response, I urge you to open the images division of your web browser of choice and search up ‘Jacob Rothschild’. Carefully examine his beautiful, shiny, mildly-euphoric head. Notice anything strange? . . . nothing? Oh really? Look more closely. Stare at his (lack-of a) hairline and take in the splendor of his magnificent exterior until your peripheral vision fades to a black haze. Focus your intellect upon the divinity of his form. Do you reckon that his overly-large cranium could be housing a set of antennae? I reckon they take up quite a bit of space, too . . .


Now that we’ve established that he is master beetle from spoilsbury toast boy, I want to make sure that you understand one thing. Everybody who has died in Peru in the past 81 years has died during Jacob Rothschild’s lifetime. Now, this information may seem shocking at first. I mean, this man would dare threaten the sanctity of Peruvian blood? Hoo boy, there’s more. Everyone who has died worldwide during the past 81 years has died during his lifetime. Yessirree. This man is responsible for horrors unimaginable. Billions of deaths. Disease. Even fingernail cancer. But worst of all? This man is responsible for sporks.

Just to top it all off, I would like to provide you with a video that will undoubtedly change the way you see reality. Watch at your own risk, because this is going to blow your mind.

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