In 1954,
Dr. Fredric Wertham's book
Seduction of the Innocent
told America of the ill effects that
comic books have upon
the youth of America. The result was the
Comics Code Authority,
a series of
rules governing the content of America's comic books.
It is the reason that
Batman hasn't just offed
the Joker after
all of these years, saving himself and the people of
Gotham City
an awful lot of
grief. It is the reason that
Archie is the
most frustrated teenage boy in the history of teenage boys,
having made out with both
Betty and
Veronica for 30+ years and
never having made it to
first base with either one of them. And
it is responsible for the
invention of
indestructible pants.
The members of a strikeforce organized by the Comics Code Authority carefully monitor the
activities of the super-hero community. When a person encounters
a meteor, secret formula, lab experiment gone awry, nuclear
detonation, or other outside factor that causes them to grow
in size and stature to immense and heroic proportions, they immediately
issue them a standard pair of indestructible pants. These pants
are to be worn at all times with no exceptions. They have the
ability to withstand not only the transformation of Bruce Banner,
poster child for the 98 lb. weakling, into the Hulk, that two-ton
green behemoth, with only a strategically placed rip in the knee,
but they will also withstand the impact of a landmass the size of
Texas upon said behemoth without visible effect.
Furthermore, the transformation of Kirk Lanstrom, scientist
extraordinaire, into the inhuman Man-Bat does not cause said
pants to split, tear, or in some cases, wrinkle. Langstrom's
shirt tears apart like wet Kleenex, but his pants can withstand
going 10 rounds with Batman and suffer no ill effects.
The reason for the invention and distribution of the indestructible
pants is obvious: it is difficult to look heroic if your naughty
bits are hanging out. The Hulk, despite his massive proportions,
would be reduced to the stuff of tabloid journalism should Bruce
Banner switch to Sansabelts instead of his aforementioned garment.
Rather than the headlines of the great Southwest reading Hulk
Destroys National Guard Forces Outside Flagstaff, the headline
would more likely read Holy Flagstaff! Naked Green Man Seen
Leaping From Fight In Desert. Hardly the stuff of legends.