I've come to realize that I've failed miserably at my
attempts of late to "hold it together" for a lack of better words.
Today I spent a good amount of time with my doctor and a number of other
professionals including a psychiatrist and my cardiologist - and my wife.
Sunday night I sat on the balcony of a high-rise hotel near my home having
thoughts about leaping off which were exquisitely frightening but quite real nonetheless.
These last few months presented a lot of challenges; mentally and physically.
I kept blasting away at what I imagined were rock walls placed in my way;
stoically beating my hands to a bloody pulp moving the rocks out of my way. The
rock walls were simply lumps in the ground, and as I dug and dug I fashioned
quite a rut for myself. No rock walls, these; just the day to day pebbles,
cobblestones etc. of life being thrown by me willy-nilly, faster and faster
until I was shoulders deep in the ground - that's how it felt.
Words cannot express my thanks to the E2ers who offered words of support.
Without them, God only knows how deep my emptiness would've become.
I'll keep it short. You will, indeed, see a lot of me. A lot of my day to day
chores have been reduced so I can enjoy some R&R without having to find it at a
bar, or in a hotel room (hiding), or sitting by the edge of a pond in the cold
for hours at a time until some concerned mountain bikers called the police, who
impelled me to move along.
My biggest regret is that my family's beautiful home; the one I've spent so
much time at lately and found so much peace at, has been deemed off-limits by my
brother, my parents' power-of-attorney (and my father's executor). When I get
myself healthy enough, I've got a few fish to fry with him, and my nutty mom.
But all in good time.
Time heals all wounds and I should really be doing some quick healing 'cause
believe me, every second these days seems like a minute; every minute like an
hour; every day a miserable eternity. Sleep comes infrequently (although we'll
try the new medical cocktail prepared for me by the docs today; perhaps I'll get
the rest I need and the bags under my eyes will go away.)
Keep in touch and by all means feel free to email me at paul at asianfusion
dot net (put E2 in the "subject" line so the spam filter doesn't swallow your
words before they find my desk.)
On a better note I'm gonna keep writing (just not as fast and manically) -
and guess what, I've actually managed to install Linux on a small older computer
I had hanging around. I'm determined to master this thing; it just might be the
thing that pulls me out of myself and makes life a little more rewarding.
Finally, my wife, my dear, beloved San-San, what would I do without her? A
very, very nice man described clinical depression to her in words she could
finally grasp. It took he and I about a half hour to assuage her guilt for not
understanding that I just couldn't "buck up, shake it off, live in the moment
and just go on with my life." Indeed it was far beyond that for me, and yet I
tried my best to keep my head together for her, even though my heart and mind
were crumbling into little bits.
Helpless is the best word for what I'm feeling now. And I hate the fact that
I must take it easy. Being heavily medicated helps me grapple with that,
however. Work will take place when I choose. Rest will occupy more of my time
than it has in the past eight months, surely. And happiness - sweet happiness -
what I've been missing for so long; when I find a glimpse of it I'll hold it in
my hands and cherish it, taste it, and look forward to a bit more when God sees
Love to all,