Washing your ass properly is a skill most third world children learn early in their lives. This node is for the rest of you.

The basic technique works whether you're squatting or sitting on a toilet bowl. You will need, two fully functional hands, a receptacle for the water, and your ass. It's a good idea to make sure you've finished defecating. Take your left hand and put it under your ass by reaching between your legs. Use your right hand to position the receptacle full of water over your ass, behind your back. Pour water slowly, use your fingers and hand to wash your ass (including your anal sphincter) with the water. It might help if you lean forward slightly. You should generally have enough water left over to give your left hand a quick rinse. Wash your hands thoroughly with a strong anti-bacterial soap. Be careful to clean under your fingernails as well.

A number of you are: 1. eager to try this out for yourselves or 2. shocked beyond belief. You may want to read the following points before you do anything rash:

  • Water receptacles: pretty much anything will do. A plastic mug that can hold one liter is ideal, but I've seen milk bottles, watering pots, tin cans, measuring cups and coffee mugs used for the same purpose to adequate effect.
  • If you are left-handed you should use your right hand to wash and the left to pour. The idea is that you never soil the hand with which you eat.
  • Is it safe? I have absolutely no idea. Billions of people use this technique, and they seem to get through life okay (yes, I know their life-spans are shorter).
  • Eew! gross!!! If you have access to toilet paper you should probably wipe first. I think it's rather gross to have dried excrement hanging onto your ass for most of the day. It's itchy and it smells.
  • Can I just shower afterwards Yes, this is an adequate substitute. You can also sit on the bathtub edge and use a shower head at a 90 degree angle if a water receptacle is nowhere to be found.
  • I haven't got any soap! Never fear, you do not have to walk around with a skanky ass till you find soap. You can still wash if you have ready access to some dry dirt. Washing your hands with soil will generally get them clean enough for you to walk around and look for a bar of soap without attracting undue attention to yourself.
  • If I'm ever forced to do this I will amputate my own arm at the elbow! I really can't help you.
  • If you wash your ass regularly, you should probably give up biting your fingernails.
  • Two modern day implements can help remove some of the 'eew gross' feeling out of this procedure. One is a small shower head hanging right next to the toilet, the other is a spout attached to the toilet seat itself. Some jiggering with a tap or button and a medium strength spray can be directed at the unmentionables to be washed. Both miraculous inventions reduce the requirement for operation to one fully functional hand.
  • As you can imagine, this doesn't work very well if it's below zero. That said, I have used snow for this purpose, to numbing effect.

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