After many years of work and many mouse corpses I have my master's degree in neuroscience. I was introduced personally to the mouse holocaust when I was Freshman in college and all our mice had to be killed after the educational experiments were done. I asked if I could keep one, the teacher told me I couldn't. "Fear of animal cruelty," she said, "At least I can be sure this way that none of them die cruel deaths."

Through the years I've worked with different professors. Some decide to let the gas kill the mice, this is the kind of professor that doesn't have anything to do with the little white rodents. I don't have to be a mouse whisperer to know it is a terrible death.

I worked with a professor that literally saw the mice as simple research tools. He saw no wonder in the fact that the mice shared a significant percent of our DNA, that their cells looked a lot like ours. By holding the tail he would slam the mice against a hard, edged surface. If he was studying the body he would knock its head against something, if he were studying the brain he would break its spine. The merit of the method is that it's quick. It has led to messy deaths and damages the organs as often as not.

The best way I've found to kill a mouse is get it into a particular position, calm with its head toward you. Now, press its head down toward the ground with your hand or a spoon and pull up on its tail, brea. Because the tail is attached to its spine you easily disarticulate the head from the body. The mouse dies instantly in a calm, almost dignified position

I actually like mice. They're cute and fuzzy, they scamper along baseboards like little rockets. Unfortunately, they harbor nasty things like ticks and fleas, so I try to get rid of them in the most humane method possible.

If I can catch them in a live trap, I drop them off on my way to the post office. It's five miles of dense woods, so they should find plenty of other friends. I do my best to locate the cracks and holes in the house and fill them up with expanding foam and steel wool. The steel wool hurts their little nibbly gums so they don't chew through it. I also have purchased landscape river rocks to pile up around the outside of my cabin because they can't dig through them and find cracks in my foundation. I also sprinkle apple cider vinegar on the rocks, which mice detest for some reason.

I also have the regular old snap traps. I've updated the ones I use to versions that snap fast and require the mouse to be eating from a little cup of peanut butter. It's quick and clean, and kills them instantly if they get caught in the usual manner. I've had two mice who got caught by one rear foot or a tail. In these instances, I know it is painful, so I want to make it a fast death. I have a BB gun and I pop them at the base of their skull. Instant death for them, and an easy cleanup for me. Then I try to find out how they got in so I can prevent more mouse murders.

Iron Noder 2017

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