How To Give A Cat A Pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill in. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give a Dog a Pill
1) Wrap it in bacon.

The boring but simple solution to this dilemma: crush the tablet and mix it into a small amount of cream cheese. The cat will look a little perplexed and slightly cheated when it realises it is eating gritty cheese, but will not be able to find the bits to spit out. Greed and cheese-love wins out every time.

Mixing the pill powder into milk doesn't work: the cat will leave the dregs in the bottom of the saucer and glare at you accusingly.
I decided it was time to de-worm the cats. I scoured the shelves in the pet section of the local supermarket for the apparatus with which to inflict this humiliating and annoying grief upon our two felines. Expecting to find a kit containing thick leather gloves, a ball of cat-proof twine, and a minuscule tasty beef-flavoured pill to shove down it's throat, I was disappointed to find my selection was limited to two kinds. One, was small, yet relative to a cat's size would have been the equivalent to you or I being force-fed a baseball, and the other was large and brown. The larger one claimed to be liver flavoured, and had a picture of a cat standing on its hind legs voluntarily taking a pill from a well manicured hand.

I looked down at my rough, badly chewed nails and grubby hands, but still decided that that was the pill for us (well, the cats really). I purchased these pills and went home with thoughts of the cats greedily gobbling up the pills and meowing for more.

Upon offering one to each cat, they sniffed them for a while and walked off. "Hmmm" thinks I, not exactly as I had imagined, but there is more than one way to drug a cat. I broke the pills up, and strategically placed bits all over the top of their jellymeat. Returning later, I found small bits of meat-covered pills around the outside of the bowl, and all the meat gone. They had managed to somehow sort the "delicious" liver-flavoured pill-fragments from the rest of their meat - and without an opposable thumb too!

"Right!" says I, "Time to get serious about this". I washed out their bowls, watching $3 worth of delicious liver-flavoured worm tablets wash down the garbage disposal. I filled their bowls with fresh milk and dry cat biscuits. Amongst the biscuits I secreted broken fragments of more of the pills (the last from the packet). The cats, less hungry after their bowl of jellymeat, and slightly more wary after having to sort foreign objects from their last meal, started eating their biscuits. I watched, and was astounded to see them shove their faces into the bowl, and totally miss each bit of the pills.

If you want my opinion, the worms can eat them from the inside out. Come and see me when you are a hollow shell, and worm heads start breaking through your fur. Then we'll start talking about yummy liver-flavoured pills.

Humour aside, there is a way to get your loving animal to partake in pill-form or liquid medicine all by yourself.

The main reason why most people fail at giving pills & liquid medicine to their cat is because there are three things that must be accomplished with only two arms.
  • You must hold the animal
  • You must open their mouths
  • You must get the pill into their mouth
How do you secure the animal without using your arms? You must sit on it. Get on your knees and sit on your heels. Make a nice space under you and in between your legs. The cat goes there. Kitty's tail goes between your legs. Kitty's head pokes up from between your thighs. Kitty can't go anywhere and you now have your arms free to do unspeakable evil.

Get a pill/dropper full of medicine. Now find your loving animal and give it some stroking and kissing. Sit on it. Kitty's face will stare up at you with questioning eyes.

"What do you think you're going to do to me?" asks the cat
"Medicine time!" you will reply in your loving, cheerful voice

Use your dominant hand to get the pill/liquid medicine to the back of their throat. Use your other hand to gently squeeze their mouth open or pry your fingers in between their teeth. It's very important to get it in the BACK of their throat and they swallow. If its too forward, kitty will just use her tongue to make the pill fly far away or splatter your dumb ass with the liquid medicine.

If you gave kitty a pill, they will most probably walk away until they forgive you for this trespass. If you gave kitty liquid medicine, they will pretend you gave them poison and make 'ugh that's yuckie' motions.

Congratulations, you have just given kitty some medicine!

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