On why I can't sleep

Warning: very long, very whiny daylog ahead.

It's 2:43 AM over here. I'm not even remotely sleepy and I'm planning on trying to sleep around 7AM. In the meantime, I'm doing some work I've been procrastinating all week.

I didn't do it before because these past weeks my attention levels have dropped with the grace of a brick with cardboard wings. This in turn happened because I'm in the middle of a depressive episode, the worst in a few years' memory. This in turn is because of my terrible work.

Long story short, no one at my work has been payed since December. The signs were there, but the upper management decided that the risk was worth it: they gambled (metaphorically) and we all lost because the company invested heavily in shit projects that went bad.

I've been living off my emergency fund. On one hand, I'm grateful for having even a small emergency fund, but I think it's kinda shitty to spend it just on my upkeep, on routine. Emergency funds should be used on other serious events, such as major illness or treatments. I've needed some kind of dental treatment since October and I haven't been able to afford it because I have to eat, pay the rent and just stay alive. I'm just struggling to keep my head out of the water.

I stopped actually going to my cubicle on the first week of December, but I'm still doing my work. Keep on working without pay might be as stupid as it sounds, but I don't want my superiors to have any fucking excuse to not pay me on the grounds that I've done nothing these weeks (and believe me, I truly believe they would do it if they can get away with it). I'm purposefully working at a snail's pace as the lamest way of protesting against this situation and I'm not alone in this. Unfortunately, this does actually little to improve my situation.

I could and I should start looking for a new job. However, I fear that quitting before getting at least my paycheck will be equivalent of forfeiting three months worth of money; I fear that once I'm out I'll have to cross through a metric ton of shit in order to get my termination benefits and I'm not in a good position to afford that risk. Besides, I'd rather have a steady job when Wikimania comes around, and that is barely 4 months in the future.

I'm tired of having to count my pennies because someone is choosing the shittiest projects, investing a lot of money on things that aren't worth it. I've been guilty of overspending and in those cases I have no one to blame but myself. However, this time it's not my fault. I'm tired of eating out of cans because they are the cheapest things I can buy in bulk right now. I'm tired of tuna and peas and diced carrots and beans.

I'm tired of lying to acquaintances, telling them I'm fine. I'm tired of telling not-so-close friends that things are rough and that I'll actually make it to that get-together next week, tired of declining invitations. I'm tired of telling the closest of friends that I don't have money. 

I'm tired of this shifted sleep schedule. I'm tired of being wide awake at 4 AM, tired of getting sleepy at 9AM, tired of waking up at 3 and then spending another hour on my bed because I don't want to be checking my bank balance before it closes its daily operations at 4PM. I'm tired of waiting for good news and I'm tired of having no news at all. 

Part of me is afraid of abusing family and friends. I hesitate for hours to call anyone and then I hesitate telling them what I'm going through. Part of me is afraid to confront them after I told them it would all return back to normal in January. I feel that I don't have any right to complain to my friends. I feel guilty whenever someone invites me over and tells me not to worry about paying.

I spent my birthday moving out of this place into a cheaper one, on a rather shady neighborhood where I don't like to walk at night. I ignored the first congratulating texts because I was packing at 12 AM. Throughout the day, every time I got a new notification I felt like crying for a few seconds and a lot of anger for some minutes. I ended up turning off the phone for a few days. I attended a Wikimedia-related dinner and then had a few beers with the Wikimania team. At the end of the night one of them gave me some money to help out. I didn't ask for it. I couldn't turn it down, but I couldn't stop thinking of how he has a low-paying job and a daughter to support. 

Right before the holidays I had to suspend my social media consumption. I couldn't bare seeing my friends posting their pictures of their Xmas Office Parties. I was only hoping for getting back on my feet. I had to borrow money from my mom to see everyone on Xmas. 

I went grocery shopping last Sunday and I haven't left the house since. Yesterday, they told us that we're expecting a large payment from one of our clients on Wednesday, so we'll probably get some money by Thursday. I'm already foreseeing some kind of excuse as to why the payment didn't come through. I'm not excited about the news; if anything it only made me feel worse for having to stretch my budget one more week, thinning my daily spendings. I have to pay my rent by Tuesday and I don't have it. The only thing I could sell right now are my clothes and my laptop, which is another terrible idea.

And right now, I can't sleep, and I'm taking up these valuable bytes bothering you because if I don't get this out, I'm pretty sure I'll explode.


Postscript: Whoa, thanks for your support guys. I do have a PayPal account, but I won't make it public. /msg me

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