Today I took a drive after church. I stopped at the oil change place to buy an air filter. I thought I could stop by my mom's to drop off the one that needs to be cleaned even if I didn't have the cleaning kit with me, I spent hours there and it wasn't until I pulled into the parking lot at my place that I realize that my air filter was still sitting on the floor in my car. I had a long talk with my middle sister before I went to see my mom and brother. I had volunteered to help her pick up things at her house, we put clean sheets on beds, wiped down surfaces, and went through the toys that my niece's had in her sun porch area. It was a really good conversation for the most part, she's like me, she always wants to be improving things. Currently she's on a big money saving kick, the kind I wish that I was on, but I also wouldn't spend money on some of the things she's bought. She has a new vehicle. She's not really a car person, I am, but I didn't get a chance to check what she got out because her daughters were cranky after they had been away at a birthday party for several hours.

My mom cut my hair and I was able to update my resume. I'm going to reach out to a guy I know tomorrow and see if there's an opportunity for me to work for his company, if he says yes, great, if he says no, then I'll have to keep on searching. There's a job fair at State Fair on Thursday. I don't mind going to those things by myself, but it would be nice if I had someone to go with me for moral support. We played Scrabble and I haven't played in so long it seemed like a new and foreign experience to me. I'm sure part of my issue was the fact that I was stressed and anxious, and it was later at night when I'm tired anyways. That coupled with the fact that I ate complete garbage today made for a less than pleasurable game playing experience even though I was proud of my first word even if it was immediately challenged by my brother who didn't believe that deoxy was really a word. Actually I think he believed me, but wanted an excuse to pull out the big dictionary. I had a moment with my mom when we were up in her sewing room getting a skein of yarn for a neighbor of mine who wants to learn how to knit.

She told me I should just force myself to learn more about knitting and move on to larger projects. I told her I didn't want to and compared it to how she wants to come home, turn on the TV, and watch a not very deep show while she knits. This is something that's relaxing to her, she doesn't want to learn anything or see anything deep, it's a way to decompress after a long day at work and that's how knitting is to me. I'm positive that I could learn the stitches and start counting, but then it becomes something that's more work to me. I then made the mistake of comparing it to writing fiction. She could write a book if she really wanted to, but she has no interest in attempting something like that. She said I was already dabbling in knitting whereas she had never started writing a book which is true, she got kind of snippy and said that we were talking past each other. I didn't feel like we were, I felt like she was telling me to take on a challenge I don't want when she wasn't willing to try something she had no interest in doing. Maybe we were, but thankfully we got past the moment.

I talked to my middle sister about the Perfect Health Diet book. She said one of the things that my middle sister had complained about when she did the Whole 30 plan was the cost of the food, it is more expensive if you can't eat cheaper lower quality foods, but if you feel crappy eating these foods, and you could feel better by upgrading the quality of the food you eat, wouldn't this be a worthwhile trade since your health and mood will improve as your body gets a break from some of the things you've been eating? Maybe it's just because I have to eat this way for the most part, and perhaps it's because I've reaped many of the benefits that accompany a cleaner diet, I think sometimes I forget about the way that I used to look and feel so maybe now is a good time to stop, take a break, and revisit a time in my life where my skin was so dry it hurt to put on a bra and I didn't like wearing anything sleeveless in the summer because I had a spot of eczema on my shoulder blade that refused to go away. We had a stuffed animal called Eczema Beast, my kids were covered in it, we were constantly sick, I was so run down and worn out I couldn't imagine life beyond the next meal, I have come a very, very, very long way since then.

My step-dad is the type of person who stocks up when things are on sale so if you open their cabinets you might find ten boxes of crackers, or see ten cans of chickpeas. Maybe this is a better way to spend the money, maybe the things I buy don't really go on sale very often, maybe the idea of stock piling all of those things seems not worth it to me. Maybe it's stressful to me to see that much stuff crammed into storage spaces. I will buy two or three of something like rice when it goes on sale, but it bothers me on some level and I'm not really sure why. It's obviously none of my business either of course. I think I feel judged and I know what I really need to do is just quit worrying so much about what others think and live my life the way I'm most comfortable with at this point in time. A lot of the time my family makes me feel like I'm a terrible person and there are so many things I need to work on and improve that I want to give up before I've even started. I thought that getting into knitting would bring me closer to my mom. It hasn't really done that although we've had a couple of moments here and there. I should knit because I enjoy it and when I'm alone, or in a group with others, I do for the most part or I wouldn't do it.

It's hard because I'm not good at the things that they value. Sometimes I feel like I'm not really good at most life skills, but I know I'm just very tired and down tonight and not to loop everything into personality type, but I do feel misunderstood and disconnected from many. My mom doesn't enjoy writing and nobody else in my family really writes although some dabble from time to time. Nobody is into minimalism and they can't understand why I love this lifestyle. I was actually into it long before it was even a thing, but then we moved and I let others fill a home that was supposedly half mine with things that I didn't want, or need. I did buy some things myself, but when we first moved I was totally fine with not having much other than a couch, a coffee table, and a bunch of plants in my huge living room. That's how I like to decorate. Most people are not using the things that they have. I'm not and I don't have as much as anyone else in my family other than my brother. He's a single guy, and I share living space with two other people. There are things I need to get rid of and can live without, but I'm a pretty pared down person and I honestly prefer it that way. My head is too busy for a bunch of visual clutter added to that. 

I didn't write any fiction today. I think I spent too much time with other people today. Next time I will change my game plan and give myself a deadline. I will tell others that I can stay for a specific period of time, maybe I can even set my timer and leave when it goes off or something. It's like food or sleep, I need to eat before I'm starving, and I need to go to bed before I'm exhausted. I thought a lot about being married, being a kid, and my relationships with current and past family members. Half of my family thinks I'm bipolar. I don't, and I don't care if they think this about me because I've read extensively on the subject, and have spoken with professionals. My middle sister is a nurse practitioner, I do have some of the tendencies, but I don't think that this is the real issue. Rapid cycling mood swings are not symptomatic of being bipolar. I wouldn't be surprised if I have some sort of mood disorder, but if others were mistreated and told that they were worthless while being undermined, they might be fearful, anxious, angry, sad, lonely, and question their abilities as well. I have a major self esteem deficit and I'm working hard to view myself as a person of value and worth on my own, regardless of what I say to, or do for others. Getting fired from my job feels like a step backward emotionally. If I was this fooled by a girlfriend, how can I trust myself to pick out a man to love? 

If nothing else happens when I write, I feel better about myself. It's my world. I'm in control, I'm the creator, I don't care if anyone else thinks it sucks, it's stupid, it's too complicated, too simplistic, or that wouldn't happen in real life. It's something fun for me to do that doesn't cost a lot of money and it does help me get away from things like some of the experiences I had today. They aren't perfect either, they're very far from it, I feel like they're judging me and I'm trying hard to refrain from judging them because I don't feel that it is my place. I'm grateful to my mom for cutting my hair because she saved me money and got my hair back to where it was before that last woman messed it up so badly. I hate going to new people, I don't understand what I'm saying, or not saying to people that creates a situation where what I want is understood on a seemingly random basis. If my mom who has no professional training can do what I want, why is it so hard for professionals to figure out. My mom did say that my instructions weren't very clear, but she did exactly what I wanted so now I don't know what to think. Anyways, the good news is I'm moving forward on the job search. I either need to really step it up, really chill out, or realize I'm on track and just let go of the feeling that I'm not enough. I'm so happy it's Monday. Last week was so chaotic we didn't visit the chiropractor and I am really feeling that.



P.S. I just hate feeling this way. I hate the idea of medication, but if it will help my mood and reduce some of this anxiety, maybe it's worth a try.


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