It is 12:39 AM. My family has been asleep for three hours.
I want to sleep so badly.
I tried to lay down and foolishly took off my back brace because my stomach hurt. Within ten minutes my back fired in agony. After a hot bath, a session with my TENS unit, I tried again. Stomach pain worse, back pain unignorable.
Moving my daughter from the pallet on which I sleep on the floor to my wife's bed, I tried another hot bath, laying on my heating pad, and some Mylanta (because what the hell, at this point I'm trying anything).
After I threw up (presumably including my bedtime hydrocodone meant to ease the back pain), I brushed my teeth, took a Bentyl and another hydrocodone (only four hours after the last one, it has been weeks since I had to do that), I tried to sleep again.
Now I'm writing this as the electric current of the TENS unit ripples through my back again. I just noticed I'm doing this weird, slight rocking back and forth that I do when the pain is bad. I don't know how long I've been doing it.
I'm just so fucking angry right now.
This was not the day log I intended to write later today.
Earlier, before all the pain started in earnest, I had planned to go into work to an office emptied by the holidays and write something positive.
I wanted to tell everyone how very much I appreciated the comments, C!s, votes, and general sense of support that my write up about a life of chronic pain generated last week. I've been inactive for a long while and everyone's well wishes meant a great deal to me.
I wanted to brag about how, despite a rough week last week, this weekend I woke up generally pain-free and managed to only require three of my hydrocodone doses instead of four each day. Our family had a good weekend.
But it is hard to focus on any of that right now. All I want to do is scream. I want the ache in my belly to stop. I want to be able to go to sleep without a brace on, to be able to move around without pain, to be able to dictate this without crying.
That isn't the world I live in right now.
I want to say that it seems unfair, for this to happen to me after all that has come before. But there is no fairness in life except what we make for ourselves.
And I am just at a loss.
Edit: I finally managed to get to sleep around 3 AM this morning after the stomach settled down. I'm not a big fan of the negative tone of what I wrote above, but in my defense it was late, I was exhausted, and my pain level was higher than it had been in weeks. Not really a recipe for shiny happy people kind of stuff. So back to it, another day, another chance to get better.