There's this guy, Denver, who might just be the coolest guy you'll never meet. He's passive, considerate, and adorable. He'll listen to your problems even when he barely knows you, and make you feel like you're the only girl in the room. You might get to meet him if you offer him free pot...

But there is another side to this sweet friend of mine. One that spits blood and pelts people with insults like "go blow a goat til he's black and blue" and "oops I raped your boyfriend again." This alter ego is known as Meat-Product 15. He'll throw wet spaghetti in your face if you get too close...strange, it makes me want him even more.

Meat-Product 15 is a founding member The Candy-Ass Pansy Bitches. They don't make music, but they do make A LOT of noise. With songs like "Anal Paper Cuts", "Break Out the Blender" and "We Do What Our Crotches Tell Us To", you can't expect much else. But the culmination of a Candy-Ass Pansy Bitches show is when they perform "Red is Blood". Amidst the chaos that brews in the crowd as a 10ft long red snake is passed around above your head, Angel Bitch and Destroyer Bitch make-out while spitting fake blood, Jason Bitch lights his cymbals on fire, and Meat-Product 15 pelts the audience with handfuls of wet spaghetti.

The first time I saw them live I was wiping spaghetti out of my ear two hours later. The second time Destroyer Bitch came with in 1/2 in of giving me a black eye. Both times I craned my neck to see Meat-Product 15 at work. I loved it, but deep down I loved most of all that it was my beloved Denver making all those freaks happy. He really is a good guy.

I will get to see my Denver again soon, possibly tomorrow, and maybe get to know him even better;) At any rate, there will always be the next CAPB show where I can go and see his wild side. He'll sing to me ("Believe in yourself, if you put your mind to it you can do anything,you can be president, is this a dream?") and I'll love it. *Sigh*

(NOTE: If you're interested, the Candy-Ass Pansy Bitches will be touring from North Carolina to Texas this coming May, 2001)

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