Yesterday I went to the store to see what I could find. Initially I had thought about buying some new clothes for work. After going through what I had, I found that I probably don't really need anything new for work. I stood in the fitting room agonizing about whether I should buy some pajamas. They've been on my list for a while, but I couldn't make myself go forward with the purchase right away. I have learned to doubt my ability to make good decisions. Finally I decided that they filled a wardrobe need, I could get a pair for my oldest since she has a birthday coming up, I could take them back if I tended up not liking them once I got them home, and if I went ahead with them and they turned out to be the wrong choice, I am human and allowed to make an unwise not strictly necessary purchase or two. When I picked up my daughter from work I mentioned that I had something for her, but they didn't necessarily qualify as a birthday gift. She tried the pair I thought she would like best and passed on the shirt, but likes the pants and wants to keep them even though they are a bit large on her.

Lately I've been having these episodes where I will have extreme and intense fear coupled with high anxiety and distress. I'm not entirely sure where this is coming from, it's very unpleasant, and I would really like to find a way to stop this from happening when it does. Last night I drove to the mall and about halfway there I noticed that my symptoms were less severe than they had been. I remembered other trips to the mall and how I would get in the car and drive just to escape the horrors at home, only I think this was sub or unconscious on my part. I was in some great denial and that didn't serve me well. Yesterday I found a beginner Pilates video so I plan to be running my first marathon by the end of the week. I was pretty sore from that last night which was both a good and bad feeling. Good that I had done the work, bad that I am that out of shape and of course the pain wasn't very pleasant either. When I was at my mom's the other night I felt bad while she was telling me how important it was to exercise. I thought about times I had and other times where I hadn't.

One of the things I used to do was have cute clothes that I could wear to exercise. One part of my brain tried to prevent me from buying anything because I really don't need anything new to do a video at home. But the other part of me said, if this was something that helped you in the past, and you're not doing it now, would the clothes help in a way that you can't foresee at this moment? After more deliberation I picked up an outfit. Apparently I am between sizes because the small is a bit too tight and the medium is too baggy and loose. Perhaps I will end up taking something back, maybe I will end up using it. I don't think it really matters either way. The point is that I am recogizing that the decision making process is mine and I am owning it which is scary, but also feels really good. My book is going well. I picked up the audio version of The Power of Habit and found it fascinating. I was listening to it in the car and my daughter picked up bits and pieces of it as we drove. This wasn't a conscious decision on my part, but I'm glad she was able to hear the parts that she did. 

I've been texting this guy that I met when I still had Tinder. At first I didn't think this was going to actually go anywhere, and maybe it won't. But we can talk about almost anything and I really like the way that his mind works since it's very different than mine. For some reason I have been thinking about a specific group of people. A friend of mine is going through a challenging time, we got talking about the personality typing, and that led to a very interesting conversational thread that I feel is helping us both. I think this guy is an ENTP mainly because I have a very good friend who is one and this guy very strongly reminds me of him. They have completely different careers, but the things they say and the insights they share are very similar. There's a curiosity in them that wants to know more about others. They can take a few unclear sentences and get an accurate sense of the whole, that intrigues me. There's a childlike wonder they have that is very appealing, but their feet are very much on the ground at all times. Like they can see the picnics and parades, but realize that they have work to do and will join in the fun once that's all done.

Going to keep this short since I'm trying to be better about managing my time.

Much love,


P.S. The sun is shining and I feel okay today, but I'm already dreading that period of time where that deep seated fear clutches me. Perhaps it won't be as bad, maybe it won't even be an issue today.


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