Venting and processing things. Mostly venting.
Everything's pretty disorienting right now and I'm struggling to really make sense of it all. I think the depersonalization is getting worse. I know I've been lashing out reactively at everything in general, just to feel something or anything I guess. No adrenaline at all, no joy really, or frustration for that matter. The only thing I really feel is just terrified of the existential lack of knowledge of who the fuck I am anymore or if I can feel anything at all.
This past couple of years I've been falling pretty heavily into something like fatalistic nihilism, the past year in particular and this year the most. Some of it could be bipolar disorder, some of it could be depersonalization, most of it is probably other elements of my psyche such as belief, inclinations, whatever. We've been playing around with my medication for years and still don't have it ironed out, I just got put on a fourth one.
I've been trying to cut back on the self-flagellating neuroticism lately. I don't really know if I've ever believed until a month or two ago that the self-flagellating neuroticism is a bad thing. Honestly, I haven't. I have viewed myself as disgusting. That disgust has been the source from which self-flagellating behavior has stemmed, not to mention perfectionism, desiring superiority in some facet of my life in order to feel adaquate. The need for perfection really stems from a deep feeling of complete inferiority, if I'm honest. But by my own metric as to what is 'disgusting', near everyone falls short. If self-flagellating behavior is right for me, by the standards I impose on myself it's right for anyone. Inversely, if it's wrong for most anyone, it's wrong for me.
If we lived in a world where everyone got what they deserved, I would be dead by my own standards. If I apply my own standards to others, we would all be dead. Is deservedness the metric by which we should model our behavior? "Justice"? It is dogmatically justified, but it prevents actualization. Should actualization not be a worthier goal than dogmatic justification?
The presumption that neurotic self-flagellating behavior is justified relies on the presupposition that God values crime-and-punishment justice more than he values actualization of the individual. What type of creator God would prefer that? To create a creature capable of interface and perceptual awareness and watch them self-flagellate into oblivion instead of becoming more complete, pursuing actualization.
What makes someone neurotic? Is is genetic predisposition or just general lack of self-control over their state of mind?
I've been trying to find something cathartic. I haven't found anything yet. I've tried journaling, playing music, listening to music, writing, painting, watching violent movies, drinking an obscene amount, really nothing works anymore. Overly-zealous morons would probably say that I just need 'the presence of God' in my heart and it'll fix the issue right up but honestly I've been a devout Christian my whole life and it's not really done much to alleviate the exhaustion of simple existence. I'm sure it's done some, there's no real way to know. Maybe it's done some bad too, depends on how much of it is virtue and how much of it is baseless dogma.
My energy levels have been abysmal and my uni grades have plummetted. Right now everything's sitting at around 80%. I am taking eleven credits. I really hope we can get my meds ironed out some more during the summer so that I can focus. They make me super groggy all the time. I got put on a mild upper (technically it's an antidepressant, and it's not doing much but it's only been a week and I've missed a couple of days, maybe it needs to build up in my system or something. It may be making me more impulsive, I stole a sign with a friend for the adrenaline and felt nothing at all. It probably was just been my free will. Or a combination of impulsivity and free will. I can't remember which drugs are "antipsychotic" and which ones are just antidepressants, some are also anti-manic drugs, and I think one of my medications is anti-seizure, I take it for the side effects. I can't remember what's what, I've been on and off so many.
I've decided to start writing out some accomplishments every so often, to help me realize that I've made some progress in life and just be more positive in general.
I reached my manuscript target for my novel-in-progress. It's a hell of a lot better than any fiction I've published here, but it also took more than 10 minutes to write and a hell of a lot more time to polish. I don't expect it to sell more than 200 copies over the course of my entire life but honestly it's just fun to write. I do it because I enjoy it, I don't really care if it gets read. I'm planning on adding a lot to it though so it'll probably end up significantly longer.
Finally got around to cleaning my room, finally. I have too much stuff but it's organized, probably as tidy as it can be. I threw a bunch of my clothes away (into the garbage!) mainly because I don't think they could have sold for any money at all on ebay and I will not go ANYWHERE near a thrift shop.
I got an aquarium going, but not ready for fish. It's very inexpensive and I really need some catharsis, I think watching the fish every day might help me relax. I'm just waiting for it to finish nitrogen-cycling, a process that I imagine is going much more slowly because I have yet to get gravel. I need to get into the pet shop. Its hours are restrictive and I need money.
Organized my bookshelf and got rid of all the old books I will never read. Now everything is pleasing to the eye and organized, not to mention that I have a lot more space. (my philosophy and theology shelf is almost full, I will probably split it and move the textbooks to a drawer.)
Things I would like to accomplish in the immediate future
I'm trying to be more positive, and I've decided to start writing accomplishments and goals semi-regularly :)
- Finish the semester with straight B grades.
- Read and finish Beyond Order.
- Finish my second draft and send it to my "beta-reader".
- Set up a study routine for the summer so I can get ahead in uni math so I don't have to drop another class.
- Restructure my classes-per-term so I'm only taking 12 or 13 per semester.
Get that sick Zarya skin in Overwatch before the Archives event ends and it goes away forever Spend less time playing video games.
I make this probably once a week and just gorge myself every single night. It's not body care, but it's soul-care. (put at the end of the post, in adherence to online-recipe tradition
- 2 and 1/4 cups of flour
- 3/4 cups brown sugar
- 3/4 cups regular sugar
- 2 sticks of melted salted butter
- 2 raw eggs*
- However many or few chocolate chips you desire. I usually go light on them because I'm allergic to chocolate and also I just don't like it a lot.
- DO NOT COOK or you'll get a really messed up result
*Don't worry, the odds of you getting salmonella are so low (I calculated it) that if you ate this every day you probably wouldn't get it. I don't remember the numbers but it's insanely low.)