I’ve worked in alcohol and drug counseling, needed it myself here and there, and honestly, I don’t mean to badmouth AA, or NA, or anybody’s A, if it’s working for them.  

But I swear to God there’s been times I would’ve sacrificed my substance of choice for a rabid, hissing weasel trained to eviscerate the next 12-Stepper who said to me, "The program works if you work it!" ? What program doesn't?  Sometimes all I’m after is a simple no-Step group, open to men and women and all possible combinations thereof, where the only requirement for membership is a willingness to bitch and gripe about the very things other support groups tell me bitching and griping will never change. I mean, how's that relevant ? 

I propose it's time we had a new AA.  

Think about it-— in the U.S. today there are over two million people in prison; not so long ago, after leading the country into war on false pretenses, over 4,000 American lives were lost while a failed Texas businessman retained his elected post as Commander-in-Chief of it all. Even more recently ex-Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson was at the door asking if we really needed those gold fillings.

You were there--weren't you wondering if you picked the wrong year to quit drinking ? Then I propose you're ready for a new "AA", because now it's 2009 and we live in America where Absurdity Abounds

As its name seems to imply, our new AA shouldn't be limited to mere political inanity. For instance--see this ?

(actual text from ad in comic book, c. 1970)



This squirrel monkey makes

an adorable pet and com-

panion. Almost human with

its warm eyes, your family

will love it. these YOUNG

monkeys grow about 12 inches

high. Eats same food as you,

even eats lollipops; simple to

care for and train. Live

delivery guaranteed. Only

$18.95 express collect.

Mail check or money order

for $18.95 to:


Dept. K26  Box 1042

Miami Beach 39, Fla.

Now you would think that the drawback(s) to sending live squirrel monkeys through the mail would be obvious: frightened angry squirrel monkeys leaping at you from postal crates soaked in monkey piss, for starters. Well the good folks at Animal Farm thought it was a swell idea, and heaven help us if the other, and possibly more intelligent, members of the simian community hear about it. In spite of this clever "show me the monkey" cut-and-paste ad campaign, obviously the idea that after having traveled hundreds, maybe thousands of miles trapped and crated inside a cargo hull, a non-domesticated, tropical animal will then pop out of its fetid carrier a contented, lollipop-eating, loving-eyed companion for you and/or your children, is absurd. 

Some snooty philosophy major will disagree with me I bet, but I propose that the one thing we all have in common is, no one likes being treated like an idiot. Advertising is the art of getting around that inconvenient truth and the sheer inundation of absurdity effectively dulls the senses. Whether the product is a political candidate or peanut butter, billions—heck, trillions of dollars are funneled into the effort every year. But you know when something sounds ridiculous; you know when someone’s telling you a whopper.    

So I propose we recalibrate our Absurd-O-Meters, and look for the signs of idiocy all round us, since it's safe to assume it's there. Then, when you've found some particularly annoying piece of hooey, bring it to the group, and bitch about it. It's the healthiest thing we can do, and we're only making it harder on ourselves going it alone; think of all the bitching and griping that could be accomplished, if we all came together.  

Lastly, I propose that perhaps our motto ought to be:  

At Absurdity Abounds we believe the only thing there is to fear, is that little sweaty guy who's always hanging around the ladies' shoe department.  

Or something equally you-know-what.


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