worked in alcohol and drug counseling, needed it myself here and there, and
honestly, I don’t mean to badmouth AA, or NA, or anybody’s A, if it’s working
I swear to God there’s been times I would’ve sacrificed my substance of choice
for a rabid, hissing weasel trained to eviscerate the next 12-Stepper who said
to me, "The program works if you work it!" ? What program
doesn't? Sometimes all I’m after is a simple no-Step group, open to men and
women and all possible combinations thereof, where the only requirement for
membership is a willingness to bitch and gripe about the very things other
support groups tell me bitching and griping will never change. I mean, how's
that relevant ?
propose it's time we had a new AA.
about it-— in the U.S. today there are over two million people in prison; not
so long ago, after leading the country into war on false pretenses, over 4,000
American lives were lost while a failed Texas businessman retained his elected
post as Commander-in-Chief of it all. Even more recently ex-Treasury Secretary
Hank Paulson was at the door asking if we really needed those
You were there--weren't you wondering if you picked the wrong year to quit
drinking ? Then I propose you're ready for a new "AA", because now
it's 2009 and we live in America where Absurdity Abounds.
its name seems to imply, our new AA shouldn't be limited
to mere political inanity. For instance--see this ?
(actual text from ad in comic book, c. 1970)
This squirrel monkey makes
an adorable pet and com-
panion. Almost human with
its warm eyes, your family
will love it. these YOUNG
monkeys grow about 12 inches
high. Eats same food as you,
even eats lollipops; simple to
care for and train. Live
delivery guaranteed. Only
$18.95 express collect.
Mail check or money order
for $18.95 to:
Dept. K26 Box 1042
Miami Beach 39, Fla.
you would think that the drawback(s) to sending live squirrel monkeys through
the mail would be obvious: frightened angry squirrel monkeys leaping at
you from postal crates soaked in monkey piss, for starters. Well the good folks
at Animal Farm thought it was a swell idea, and heaven help us if the
other, and possibly more intelligent, members of the simian community hear
about it. In spite of this clever "show me the monkey" cut-and-paste
ad campaign, obviously the idea that after having traveled hundreds, maybe
thousands of miles trapped and crated inside a cargo hull, a non-domesticated,
tropical animal will then pop out of its fetid carrier a contented,
lollipop-eating, loving-eyed companion for you and/or your children, is
Some snooty philosophy major will disagree with me I bet, but I propose
that the one thing we all have in common is, no one likes being treated like an
idiot. Advertising is the art of getting around that inconvenient truth and the
sheer inundation of absurdity effectively dulls the senses. Whether the product
is a political candidate or peanut butter, billions—heck, trillions of dollars
are funneled into the effort every year. But you know when something sounds
ridiculous; you know when someone’s telling you a whopper.
I propose we recalibrate our Absurd-O-Meters, and look for the signs of idiocy
all round us, since it's safe to assume it's there. Then, when you've found
some particularly annoying piece of hooey, bring it to the group, and bitch
about it. It's the healthiest thing we can do, and we're only making it harder
on ourselves going it alone; think of all the bitching and griping that could be
accomplished, if we all came together.
Lastly, I propose that perhaps our motto ought to be:
Absurdity Abounds we believe the only thing there is to fear, is that little sweaty guy who's
always hanging around the ladies' shoe department.
Or something equally you-know-what.