This a parody of An Inspector Calls by J B Priestly, which I wrote while studying it for my English GCSE back in May 2005. It's a lot funnier if you know the original, I feel. Of Mice and Men was the other set text.
Five people are seated around a dinner table. The maid is serving them.
MR DARLING: Giving us the cocoa, Grolsch? That's right.
GERALD: Hey, Darling, quite a looker you've got there.
MR DARLING: Oh, Grolsch? Yes, the doctor did an excellent job of sewing her face back on after the accident. And using dogs' legs to replace her missing legs and horses' arms to replace her missing arms - well, it's amazing what modern science thinks up.
SHEILA: Gerald! You should only have eyes for me.
GERALD: You know I have, I've been trying long enough to get this engagement sorted.
SHEILA:Except that time all last summer, when you hardly came near me.
GERALD: Yes, and I've told you, I was dreadfully busy in the works all the time.
SHEILA:Ah, but I've heard you were in - other places.
GERALD: Well, those brothels are some of our biggest customers, so I had to sort out all sorts of deals. And we do quite a bit of business with strip clubs, but they're always a bit unreliable so I was constantly going there for negotiations. And that trip to Amsterdam was an essential business trip.
ERIC suddenly guffaws.
SHEILA:What's the joke?
ERIC: Oh, nothing, I just felt I had to laugh.
SHEILA:You are. You must be bumboed - you've already had three cups of cocoa tonight, I saw you. Thoroughly bumboed, probably a little bit - fingered.
SYBIL: Really, Sheila, the words you girls pick up these days!
ERIC:If you think that's the worst she can do-
SHEILA:Don't be a Milky Joe, Eric.
SYBIL:Stop it you two. Arthur, what about this famous toast of yours?
MR DARLING: I was just coming to that. He gets up. Now, I'm very pleased you're marrying my daughter, Gerald-
SHEILA:I'm not called Gerald.
MR DARLING: No, I meant, I'm VERY pleased that YOU'RE marrying my DAUGHTER, Gerald-
SHEILA:I'm not called Gerald!
MR DARLING: No, what I mean is, I'M very PLEASED that you're MARRYING my daughter, GERALD-
SHEILA:I'm not called Gerald!
MR DARLING: Well, I'm so happy you two are getting married, anyway. I got you a present. Gerald Croft, I'd like you to have this.
GERALD: Goodness, Darling, why this is your famous toast!
MR DARLING: Well, it's yours now.
GERALD: Oh, god it's so much crispier that it looks in the pictures - so much more golden-brown. I'm not suprised it's famous. I have something for you too, as well, Sheila Darling, darling.
He produces a ring
SHEILA:Oh, Bollo! Amazing G five! It's beautiful.
She kisses Gerald.
ERIC:Cor, batton the hatches! All systems go! Full speed ahead! Up periscope!
SYBIL:Really, Eric, you're not a submarine any more.
MR DARLING: Now, there's a few words I'd like to say. Do you remember before I was saying it's amazing what modern science can do? Well that's the world we're living in - an excellent world to get married in. Now, I know a few scaremongers are saying war's on the horizon but that's silly. No-one wants war. There won't be a huge war beginning in 1914, no. The world's moving too fast for that. I heard the other day about a new ocean liner - the Titanic - it's absolutely unisinkable. That's an idea of this new peaceful, progressive world we live in. Why in about 30 years time, say in 1940, you might be having a little party like this, your son or daughter might be getting engaged - and you won't be in the middle of the second world war. And looking into the far future, say, our great-grandchildren, it might be September 2001 - they'll be living in a tower in New York, maybe a twin tower - and there certainly won't be a plane crashing into that tower. No, certainly not.
GERALD: Clap clap clap.
GROLSCH: There's a caller here for you, Darling. He says he's here to inspect. His name's Gooly.
A voice can be heard shouting from outside, constantly ringing the doorbell.
VOICE: Ding-dong ding-dong! MA NAME IS GOOLY AND I'M HERE TO I-I-I-HNSPECT! Ding-dong!
MR DARLING: Well, let him in.
Grolsch goes to the door and comes back with Caller Gooly. Grolsch leaves.
MR DARLING: Yes. Sit down, Inspector.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: Actually, I prefer to stand for ma introduction.
A heavy beat begins to play.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: AH AM THE I-I-I-HNSPECTOR! AH'M CALLIN' ON YOU! AND MA NAME IS - G-O-O-O-L-E-E-A-E-I-E!! SYSTEM!
The inspector starts rapping and dancing.
SYBIL:Are you sure he's a real police inspector?
GERALD: I think he looks a bit like a - like a socialist.
SHEILA:A socialist? Ooh.. maybe he can take me upstairs and show me his socialist moves...
GERALD: chuckles No, Sheila, not that sort of socialist.
SYBIL:Arthur'll know. Arthur, do you think he's a socialist?
MR DARLING: Hmm, I'll study his behaviour.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: H G WELLS IS GOD AND IIHNSPECTOR GOOLEEE IS HIS PROPHET!!
MR DARLING: Too early to say.
The Inspector comes over to them.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: To Sheila Ooh, I'd like to inspect you.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: And your very beautiful mother as well - remember - I'm the Inspector, and I'll be calling on you later.
Come on, get up, Mr Darling.
The inspector takes Mr Darling by both hands, drags him up and starts spinning him around. The music keeps playing.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: Are you Mr Darling?
MR DARLING: Yeah-
INSPECTOR GOOLY: But are you Mr Darling though?
MR DARLING: Yes, but-
INSPECTOR GOOLY: Well are you Mr Darling?
MR DARLING: Yes, well-
INSPECTOR GOOLY: But are you Mr Darling though?
MR DARLING: YES! What do you want, man!?
The Inspector slaps Darling's hands away, sits down at the table suddenly, and adopts a calm, business-like manner.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: I'd like to inspect you, if you don't mind, Darling. Or more accurately, I'd like to inspect your brain. Two hours ago a young woman - name of Eva Smith - died in the Infirmary. She'd swallowed a lot of strong disinfectant. Burnt her inside out, of course.
ERIC:Involuntarily Kiss me bumblesnaps!
INSPECTOR GOOLY: Yes, she died in great agony. Suicide, of course.
MR DARLING: But what's this got to do with me?
INSPECTOR GOOLY: I have reason to believe you may have known her. You have several hundred young women at your works, is that correct?
MR DARLING: Yes. Do you think she worked there? The women there keep changing, I don't remember them.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: Maybe you will when I show you this picture.
He shows Darling a picture.
MR DARLING: Gasp!
INSPECTOR GOOLY: Do you remember now, Darling?
MR DARLING: Eva Smith, yes, how could I forget the Eva Incident?
INSPECTOR GOOLY: You'd best tell the story, Darling.
MR DARLING: Well, it was in the summer of 1910 - it would have been the end of August. Eva and some of the other girls had just come back from their holidays - they must have seen something while they were away because they all wanted a raise.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: How much?
MR DARLING: Well, we normally pay them with our thanks and a bowlful of gruel a day, but they wanted more. Firstly, they wanted more - MORE, THEY WANT MORE! - gruel, and also monetary payment, to the tune of tuppence a month. I refused of course.
GERALD: Good! You know what they say, 'a woman with a tuppence doesn't know when to stop.'
MR DARLING: I was very cross at them, but I let them keep their jobs and most of them got away with just a whipping. However, I had to sack the ringleaders, Eva Smith was one of them.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: You sacked them? Why?
MR DARLING: Well, they'd been causing trouble. I didn't want them around.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: You could have let them stay.
MR DARLING: Who are you to tell me what to do? Anyway, I just said that since she obviously didn't like working for me, she could find another employer. I don't see how that's got anything to do with her suicide.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: Well, I found, among her possesions, this letter you gave her when she was sacked. He reads it aloud
'Dear Eva, you cow I'm glad for an excuse to get rid of you. You're useless, you won't be able to get another job. I hope you starve and die of rotting disease. Or to save us the wait, just kill yourself you fucking slag. Swallow your disinfectant and the world will be a better place. Die die die ha ha ha. Signed, Arthur Darling.'
MR DARLING: Well, I meant it in a tounge-in-cheek way.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: When I went to Eva's flat, I found someone had daubed on the walls 'Die Bitch Die' and 'Kill Yourself Slag'.
MR DARLING: Well, it's a free country. I can give her advice, she doesn't have to take it. I mean, come on, you can hardly blame me for her death.
SHEILA:Father, you have become Colin, destroyer of melons!
GERALD: This looks like quite a personal affair. Do you think I should leave for a while?
INSPECTOR GOOLY: Yes, I think you should.
GERALD: I'll be back, Darlings. Gerald leaves.
ERIC:Well, I think it's damn torpedo.
MR DARLING: No it's not, Eric.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: Don't be so smug Eric Darling, I want to inspect you as well, you little Darling.
ERIC:Inspect me? What have I done?
INSPECTOR GOOLY: Your drinking habits. I know all about them. Do you recognise this picture?
The inspector shows Eric a picture.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: Now, do you want to tell the story, or shall I?
ERIC:Sigh... It started about last year. I'd been hanging around with 'Bumboy' Richardson and 'Pasty' Jones-
SYBIL:Pasty and Bumboy! I always knew those two would be a bad influence on you!
ERIC:Well, it was Pasty who started us off. He took us to a cafe-
MR DARLING: A cafe!?
SHEILA:Oh, come on father, don't pretend you don't know Eric goes to cafes.
ERIC:Can I carry on? Pasty ordered a cup of cocoa, and then started drinking it there right in front of us! Well, since he was doing it, we could hardly refuse. We came back again. Soon we were drinking two, maybe three cups of cocoa a day.
MR DARLING: Oh, Eric! We've been liberal parents, we've never tried to ban cocoa completely, but we tried to bring you up to learn - 'one cup before bed and no more.'
ERIC:Soon cocoa wasn't enough for us. We needed a bigger hit - we started drinking ovaltine, horlicks, even - tea.
MR DARLING: TEA!?
ERIC:Then our drinking habits started to change. We were going out in the evenings more, so we started doing cold drinks. Lemonade, pepsi, and then I started doing coke.
MR DARLING: COKE!?
ERIC:We were all heavily addicted. When we were on coke, well, I couldn't get through the day without drinking four or five cans. But coke's expensive, so we signed up for a detox programme. It was tough - but we thought it could turn us around. It did the opposite. The withdrawal symptoms of coke are harsh - and we needed something to get us through them. We turned to shandy.
MR DARLING: I think I've heard enough.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: Yes, we have. Maybe you can get over your habits, Eric, maybe you can't. But you're not just destroying yourself, you've destroyed someone else. Maybe, if when Pasty and Bumboy were offering you that first cocoa, if you'd have said 'no', well, maybe Eva Smith would still be alive.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: It sounds like you're in denial, little Darling. If you can accept the truth, only then can you start to turn things around.
SHEILA:Oh, that's just yummy. Eric can't stir the mixture, Inspector.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: And you. Sheila Darling. Sheila Sheila Sheila. Sheila Sheila Sheila Sheila Sheila. Sheila.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: Your random comments didn't save Eva's life, Sheila. In fact, I don't think Arthur and Eric's actions alone could have killed her. No, it's all your fault. Every word of yours was a nail in Eva's coffin. And you. Sybil Darling.
SYBIL:I think you'll find that I can withstand inspection.
INSPECTOR GOOLY: Well, I just don't like you. And that may not bother you. But remember this; I have excellent taste. Think about that.
Yes, all of you have contributed to Eva's death. In fact, it's like a sick family conspiracy! Now, I'm going to make my dramatic closing rap. I expect you to listen!
Music plays. The Inspector raps.
AH'M JUST A CALLER, HERE TO AHNSPECT YOU!
The Inspector keeps rapping and dancing for some time..
INSPECTOR GOOLY: Sipping Mr Muscle or Toilet Duck,
Cos you people just don't give a fuck!
Suddenly, someone kicks the door down. Gerald bursts into the room.
Gerald and Inspector Gooly have a rap face-off. Eventually the inspector is defeated and melts.
ERIC:Oh, bravo Gerald!
MR DARLING: But how did you do that, Gerald?
GERALD: Well, when I was out of the house, I did some thinking, and I realised that he definetly wasn't a real police inspector.
SYBIL:A-ha! I thought he was acting a bit strange. Was he a socialist?
GERALD: No, actually. In fact, I don't think he was real at all.
GERALD: Well, remember, before he arrived we'd all been drinking rather a lot of cocoa. A bit too much cocoa, as it turns out. I think it drove us cocoa - loco!
MR DARLING: So the inspector-
GERALD: -was just a choco-mental hallucination!
SHEILA:Oh, grab that grass!
ERIC:Wait, those things he said are still important. I do have a drink problem, and I need to get it sorted. Sheila is random. Mother is just not very likable. And Dad keeps the proletariat in chains by controlling the means of production.
MR DARLING: Oh, Eric!
SHEILA:I think Eric's still a bit cocoa - loco!
MR DARLING: Don't you understand, lad? It doesn't matter now.
The phone rings.
MR DARLING: Answers it Yes? Darling here. What-? Oh. I see.
He puts the phone down.
MR DARLING: That was John Steinbeck. Apparently, our storyline - the plight of the downtrodden working class resulting in the death of a young girl - it's been done before. And-
Suddenly a huge bulldozer crashes into their house, completely demolishing it.
GEORGE: Lenny! Why'd you just destroy their house?
Lenny is driving the bulldozer.
LENNY: Oh, shit, sorry George, I thought it was a mouse!