In which I do some navel gazing, have flashbacks and open up some
I have been doing rather a lot of introspection lately, and having conversations on many topics surrounding philosophy, thought and being. One of those conversations, and my reading I, Lucifer, led to what I consider one of my oddest writeups, on the left hand path. I have also read a lot of strange books lately, beginning with a translation by Philip Pullman (yes, that Pullman of The Golden Compass fame) of some of the tales of the Brothers Grimm, and O Boy are those tales stark and dark. No punches pulled, no stone unturned, no clever stuff, no character development, no scene-setting, just the dark side of many of the tales you have known and loved since childhood, only far less fluffy. It's just "princess meets frog, makes a promise, reneges on it and finally kills the frog". No kiss, rather SPLAT! against a wall (spoilers!) The stupid characters never learn their lessons but somehow come up smelling of roses, the wise characters never seeing how their stupid offspring or relatives will never learn no matter how many silver talers you give them, no matter how many second chances. Poisoned apples are ultimately poisoned, yet somehow Evil never manages to quite triumph. And meanwhile the awful twisted reality is presented to the reader as matter-of-factly as possible. There's no fancy or frilly "rosy-fingered dawn" language, everything is red as blood or white as snow, stark and unforgiving and simple, and bleak, and as frequently, cruel. In this world if you brush against a rose thorn, better call for a medic straightway, or a good witch.
Right now I'm reading a book on the Gnostics, just because curiosity, and after that will be Neitsche and Anton LaVey and soon enough (once I recover it from my Amazon Wish List some Aleister Crowley and other bits of esoteric and occult reading. I've a knee-high stack of books including those from the library, but a hip-high curiosity that still needs feeding. There's a lot to plough through there to try to satisfy the itch I need to scratch, and I have to say that it's upset a couple of my friends here who are wondering whether I'm slipping into The Dark Side. But no, I tell them, it's just the way I've been for years. And I tell them this story:
When I was ten, and sent to boarding school, I discovered religion. Not that I wasn't brought up with one: I was dragged up Anglican like my parents, went to church with nary a murmur, said my prayers every night and was a good little boy, mostly. One of the things that happened at school was discovering that there were things about Christianity and especially The Bible, that had been held back from me. I recall a Religious Studies lesson in which we were being encouraged to look deeply at our religions (and we had a few, mostly Christians of some sort, a couple of Muslims, a Hindu and at least one Jew). I duly opened a Bible that night and began to read it (it took me over a year to complete it and I have probably read it all over ten times at least). The passage that got me first was Genesis 3:5, 22:
3. For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
22. And the Lord God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
"Why would God", ten-year-old me asked at the next lesson, "plant a tree that would grant knowledge of evil, if He was All Good?" I forget the answer but remember my frustration. A while later I discovered a book entitled "Beyond Good and Evil" in the school's library, and began to read that in the hope of gaining some answers. The book and Neitzsche's thinking were beyond me at that age, but I'm beginning to understand it now. Grownups were hiding things from me, I'd felt this since I was about seven and now I knew for sure that there was hidden, occult, hermetic knowledge that I was not supposed to know ever, and since then I have been suspicious of anyone who tells me not to read on certain topics, or ask certain questions. I would later begin to question the Trinity, to the dismay of teacher and priest alike. But it's like the hidden door in a film. You know that, once it's discovered, the protagonist has to open it and go down the dusty, mysterious somehow-still-torchlit passages to some Dark Secret. And I wanted to find and open every door. So I grew up with a suspicion of everything I was told, all the while digging around until I found out what it was or how it worked, or whence it came. My parents, FFS, told me the stork brought babies, or that I was found as a baby under blackberry bushes. BUT I KNOW THE TRUTH NOW because I went and found out. I also remember digging out of the Oakham library a book of New Testament Apocrypha and not understanding that until later. I must reread The Gospel of Thomas too. Another one for the wishlist? I expect so.
On the topic of religious questions, I ever had questions about the Trinity, as I could not find that doctrine in the Bible, in fact I never believed it. My many questions about it were deflected, and in time I assumed that it was a mystical part of Chritianity that would be revealed to me in time. Spoiler, that never happened, hence why I joined the Jeohvah's Witnesses (though I left after ten years)
This explains why there are so many scary-looking titles on my Amazon Wish list still. Now as then I want to look under all the logs and rocks in the garden to find all the fascinating beetles and earwigs, just to satisfy my curiosity. Speaking of the wish list, may I take this opportunity to thank whomever bought me the Parker Jotter fountain pen. I've wanted one for years as the ballpoint was my pen of choice throughout grammar school. Now, thank you anonymous giftgiver, I finally have one! (And was "whomever" used correctly there? I'm having doubts now.)
I assure you all I'm not on my way to becoming a Devil-worshipper or practitioner of Dark Arts, I am simply curious, I merely want to know, to understand. And sometimes you do have to peer into dark places to find interesting things. I am not the next Aleister Crowley, I promise. I won;t even turn you into newts, so feel free to buy me books to satisfy my needs.
l
I was asked to define what I meant by "esoteric" recently and the best I could do was "the things hidden from those to whom it does not yet belong". The word "uninitiated" comes to mind now, of course. The esoteric things need some guidance to understand. One does not simply walk into Kabbalah, for example.
But I do want to be as the gods. (Another question unanswered then was "why does it say "'as gods', when there is only one god?", to nods from Christian, Muslim and Jew alike) I want to know all the things, understand everything as best I can. And if that means drinking deep of hidden mysteries, so be it. I'm game.
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