My Laughlin Valentines
We went on a “turn-around trip” to Laughlin, Nevada on Saturday (Valentine’s day). Marcella, Roger, Sergio, and me. Marcella announced during lunch on Saturday that she is pregnant with Roger’s second child. So of course from that point on I began to worry about her drinking that morning. I didn’t see her drink anything after she announced to us she was pregnant but on the bus she had at least one beer and the night before she had rum and coke and a couple of Smirnoff Ice’s.
Since the trip left at 6am we all stayed together in Marcella’s motel room. There was only one bed but it didn’t matter. I never went to sleep. Neither did Roger. Marcella slept on the bed and Sergio fell asleep on the floor. I was planning to do homework while everyone slept so I brought my computer and school books. Well, that did not happen since Roger played games on my computer all night, which was okay. I didn’t really feel like studying anyway. We were all drinking quite a bit of alcohol. And I was way too hyper to concentrate very well on studying for my midterm that is this Thursday.
Well we had the alarm set for 4am. We woke the two sleepers up a few minutes before that, and of course Sergio was horny.
I know I should have just said no but for some reason I never can, not with him. I don’t say yes, and I try to pull away but I don’t run or scream. I am just too scared. I have to do what I’m told. Sergio is more important than us. He has to be made happy. I don’t know how he managed to get me to give him a hand job to begin with. He uses guilt a lot but I don’t remember the specifics that managed to get my hand in his pants. And why does he think that automatically gives him the right to start taking my clothes off of me? I don’t want to “get there” but he don’t get that. And I don’t want him inside me, and he thinks its ok to go in just a little bit. Its not. I don’t know exactly how far he got. I know he got far enough in to make me feel sore. He’s big. Everyone has always teased him about how large his penis is. Even just “teasing” me with it hurts. I don’t want him even touching me down there, not even with his fingers. He thinks that it’s okay to finger screw me. He don’t get it. Even that brings the horrible pictures in my mind.
We were switching inside a lot while it was happening so I wasn’t even there the whole time and we were having “flashbacks” too. It was scary. I know Sergio started with his fingers and then he started rubbing his penis against me and attempting to get it inside me but I kept pulling away across the motel carpet. He likes eating me out. He thinks I get off on all this. He told me once that I must have liked it because of the way I kept holding on to the side of the bed so hard your hands were turning color and the look on my face. I don’t enjoy it. I don’t like it at all. It doesn’t feel good. It just feels weird, when I feel anything at all. It sometimes hurts.
I don’t know how to make him never do it anymore. It’s not his fault. Vanessa teases him sometimes and I’m too afraid of hurting him to do much of anything. But I’ve told him that even if we’re playing around doesn’t mean I can have sex with him. Telling a dirty joke is far from being able to have sex!
He thinks we have to kiss all the time too and we’re not dating. He’s just one of the touchy feely people. He hugs everyone who is willing. And since we were boyfriend-girlfriend a couple of years ago and then I did kiss him he thinks I belong to him. He doesn’t understand that I do not like it when he kisses me. A hug is okay, as long as it is just a friend hug and not a sexually touching one.
I do love him, as a friend. But nothing more. I am not sexually attracted to him. I am not sexually attracted to anyone. I have tried to tell him many times and in many ways I cannot handle it but he always ends up trying again. It’s my fault though. If I could just keep Vanessa under control and our mouth shut then maybe he wouldn’t get sprung around us.
I spent the entire day after that unsuccessfully trying not to space out. I ended up cutting several times just to ground me. I drank quite a bit on Saturday. It was all free. The trip was with a bunch of people Sergio works with. Bus drivers, maintenance people, teachers aids, etc. and a bunch of their friends and family. By the time the bus left the district office at like 6:20am they were already serving alcohol and everyone continued drinking the entire 4 hour drive. We gambled on the bus as well. Bingo and the “dollar game” and a couple other things. There was singing too. It was fun. We arrived at the Flamingo Hilton at about 10:30amish and were handed a players card and a buffet pass as we got off the bus. We had to be back to the bus at 6:15pm.
I was already getting kinda sick before the trip but by the time I was back on the bus my voice was gone. On the way home we watched Grumpy old Men and then Enemy of the State and drank some more. A few people tried to sleep but a few others were too drunk and too loud and kept waking most of the sleepy heads up.
I was home about 11pmish. If I hadn’t have lost my voice I would have tried to talk them into going to the last two hours of karaoke. I spent most of Sunday in bed and most of Monday doing homework. And the entire weekend trying not to think about what happened with Sergio.
Update on Internet:
The cable guy is supposed to be at our house between 1pm and 5pm this coming friday. This means by Friday night I should be online and by next week hard at work on my much needed update of all my nodes.