Maybe you’ve seen one too many news reports on wicked dictators and all their evil shenanigans.
Maybe you're tired of being rejected or just plain going unnoticed.
Or maybe your life just seems empty.
-- any or all of these, and you’ve decided to leave this life, for good.
I might start by congratulating you on your fine skills of perception. I'm not going to -- but maybe in some alternate universe I might have. This world truly does sucketh ass sometimes, we all have those eyes. But, from what my Sunday School teacher told me, there’s a light to run to beyond this world – a light that might actually be a brighter world than this one. In fact, that might be why it's a light. Has anyone looked into this theory? This could completely change the way we look at death! Can you patent theories about the afterlife?
Sorry, I lost focus there...
Well, today might just be your big day! Your chance to have all those heart-to-hearts
with God you kept meaning to have. Chat it up with some loved ones whom have left this dark world before you. Catch up on sleep or write that novel you keep boring your friends with the exciting
details of!
When we get right down to the cold hard facts, though, it doesn't matter
what has brought you here or what you plan to do with all your free time and possible new
powers beyond this world. Soon, if you have your way, you will no longer be immersed in this
mostly carbon dioxide and nitrogen atmosphere
surrounded by carbon based life forms.
But now that you have made the decision to go--how should you do it?
If you are leaving out of anger, frustration, or despair, you may be tempted to make a
dramatic gesture to mark your departure. Some noders have /msg'd the editors en masse to
announce that they are ...
Goddamnit! If there is anything I have learned in my time here, it's
this: If you are going to plagiarize, at least change enough words to make
it not so obvious you have stolen the text! You know, like enough to make it relevant to
what you are writing about and less relevant to what the author you stole it from was
talking about.
It’s been one of those days. One of those days where you keep talking about stuff you
don't mean to be talking about. You start talking about something and you can't remember
what you were talking about. Or if it was what you were supposed to be talking about. Or
maybe you notice everyone fucking staring laser eyes through you and you honestly just
can't remember if you've been talking at all or if it's your extended silence that has
everyone eyeing you with their death-ray vision.
The best way to break away from that – the best way to find your mind again, when it's
way out in the waters, it's swimming, yeah – is just to keep talking until you say
something right. Everyone will nod and you do your best to stay on that subject until it
looks like you aren’t supposed to be talking anymore.
So maybe you've come to this point, you've decide you want to quit life. You aren't the
first, my jaded cynical friend. But might I bother you before you call it
quits, punch your last time card, wave your big good-byes, stuff the muffin
in the oven. Might I bother you to sit with me for a while?
I know! You've got things to do, places to go, strange new worlds to
explore! But before you get to exploring, might I implore you to stay? Just a little while
longer.
Here, I made this for you:
Reasons to go on living (at least for now)
In no special order or anything pretentious
like that.
- Who's going to feed your cats? Honestly, do you think other people care about them? They don't.
- It's your turn to do the dishes. You know how annoyed your roommate gets when you forget
to do the dishes on your day!
- Your chair at work will be all cold in the
morning if you don't fill it with your warm self.
- You left the windows rolled down in your car when you got home this afternoon.
- You just ordered the last season of Lost on DVD from Amazon.com. At least wait until you've watched that.
- Who's going to pick up your brother at 4 a.m. when he's
too drunk to even walk home?
- Someone is going to have to clean up your mess. Are you really that big of an ass? Do
you know what it takes to get blood stains out of sidewalks?
- I will give you 50 bucks if you do it tomorrow. Tomorrow's my day off. Surely that's
enough to stay loaded until tomorrow.
Hmm.
I'm starting to get the feeling like I'm not supposed to be talking anymore.